November 1, 2009

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Ryan's Tips for Dealing with Writer's Block

Let's be honest: writing is like passing a gallstone.

Better yet, writing is like trying to politely kick out that lonely bachelor who's always the last to leave after a party.

No... no, wait... actually, writing is like watching a Hayden Christensen movie, where 45 minutes in you begin to think, "On my list of stimulating activities, this ranks just below describing my stool to a doctor."

Well, at any rate, writing is just like something else that humorously illustrates something you don't look forward to doing. There. Happy?

And yet, writing is necessary. Especially if one hopes to be a writer. Oh sure, you could try being a writer without actually writing. But then you'd have to find readers who don't actually read. And that's a very difficult arrangement to find, much less make money at. Unless, of course, you're a Hollywood screenwriter. In which case you're all set, so why are you wasting my time?

What is it about writing that makes it so difficult? Is it the act of typing? No, typing is easy. Type type type. Click click click. Chocolate stupid fart pillow. See? No problem at all.

Perhaps it's having to put your thoughts down on paper that's difficult. That's certainly harder than just typing, but it's still not a real issue. In fact, I'll write what I'm thinking right now:

Hurray for white people!

There, that wasn't so bad.

In reality, I think writer's block is born from the knowledge that someone is actually going to read what you write. Will they like my writing? Will they find it intresting? Will they notice I just misspelled "interesting"? And what the hell have I got to say, anyway? The only good ideas I have are the ones I should probably keep to myself -- like how Schindler's List is actually improved by syncing it to the first Jonas Brothers album.

So, in a way, it's not really your fault that you have writer's block. It's your readers' fault. How dare they read your work! Let's face it: once you start caring about what your readers think, it's all downhill from there. Next thing you know, you'll be rewriting... which is worse than Communism and the Oakland Raiders combined.

But I digress. I seem to recall promising you some "tips" or something like that, right? Okay, so here you go -- some helpful tips on how to work through your writer's block...

• Trying breaking the rules! Perhaps the reason you're blocked is because you've allowed your writing to become stagnant and formulaic. If so, try writing something out of the ordinary. Like writing naked on a commuter train. Or replacing all your verbs with the word pork. Or write in human blood. The possibilities are endless!
• Commit a felony! I know some writers like If I Did It author O.J. Simpson swear by this method. It may seem obvious, but committing a federal crime is a great way to obtain compelling subject matter as well as generate public interest in your work. Just ask Martha Stewart.
• Write a meandering, half-assed, how-to article on tips for dealing with writer's block! I haven't tried this one myself yet, but it seems like something that could work.

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