A recent study claims there has been a dramatic rise in the number of abortions nationwide. Although jumps in the abortion rate usually coincide with the release of Ben Affleck movies, this time it appears to be tied to public anxiety about global warming. The study says people are concerned about reports that overpopulation, obesity, and other human behavior are adversely affecting climate change. As a result, more and more people are seeing abortion as the best, most direct way to save the planet.
“I was, like, skeptical at first about getting an abortion,” says Sara, a 22 year old artistic dancer from Las Vegas. “I thought, like, ‘Would I regret it later? Maybe I shouldn’t.’ But then my friend Gina — who is, like, so smart because she gets angry at everything — she’s all, ‘dadadada,’ and she told me, like, how much I would be poisoning the planet by having a baby. And I was all, ‘Screw you, Big Oil. I’m getting an abortion!’”
“Sara’s bitchy friend Gina makes a valid point,” says Steven Carlson, a climatologist and contributor to Oppressive Statistics Monthly. “When you calculate the total amount of greenhouse gases that a human being produces during a lifetime of electricity use, gas consumption, waste, exercise, belching, farting, defecating, breathing, dying and decomposing, and the likelihood they’ll produce more human beings who belch, fart, breathe, etc., it’s clear that an abortion can have a far more positive impact on the environment than even Leonardo DiCaprio.”
As going green becomes more popular, the possibility of stricter legislation to control greenhouse emissions also has some would-be mothers considering abortion. As Mary from Indiana puts it, “I’m pregnant with triplets. I’d hate to think what I’d have to pay in carbon credits.”
Meanwhile abortion clinics are taking advantage of this trend with special offers and promotions to allure eco-minded customers. One clinic in San Francisco offers women a membership card to track return visits — for every 10 abortions, they plant a tree. Another clinic in Seattle even changed its name to something more appealing to the green crowd: An Inconvenient Pregnancy.
Despite these trends, skeptics continue to question whether or not mankind is responsible for global warming in the first place. But many climatologists and abortion doctors agree: Yes, they are. Now shut up.