Google Inc. (stock symbol GOOG) announced today that it has acquired God (stock symbol GOD) for an estimated $8.2 billion. News of this acquisition has already rocked Wall Street as well as Vatican City, leaving many business analysts and religious leaders wondering what the Silicon Valley giant plans to do with the Almighty.
“It’s real simple: God is the ultimate search engine,” says Google CEO Steve Stevenson. “Imagine searching for ‘Osama bin Laden’ and getting a Google Map of his exact location. Or searching for ‘the meaning of life’ and actually getting the answer.”
The amount of data that God collects is undoubtedly staggering and Google hopes to boost its entire online software suite with this newly acquired omniscience.
One such boost would be given to AdSense, Google’s advertising network. Instead of merely displaying relevant ads based on keywords, the new God-powered AdSense would also tweak the ads to cater to an individual’s fears, dreams and sins. While shopping online, a husband might see an ad stating, “Hi Phil. Your wife Debbie knows you’re diddling your receptionist. You’d better click here,” which takes him to Kay Jewelers or the nearest law firm.
This acquisition further escalates the competition between Google and Microsoft, who was also looking to buy out the media-shy Creator. Now in an effort to remain competitive, Microsoft is looking to buy out Satan, the Prince of Darkness (stock symbol BELZBUB). If successful, the acquisition would also give Microsoft control over Satan’s subsidiaries, such as Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Productions and Facebook.
As expected, God was unavailable for comment. However sources close to the long-time deity state that He was happy to finally sell off His godliness and that He plans to retire to Aruba “to find Himself.”