Former Neo-Celebrities Cry for Fame Redistribution

A group of media has-beens calling themselves “The 15 Minuters For Justice” are looking to call attention to their unique economic plight in hopes of obtaining benefits from the federal government. The group has already attracted such inadvertent celebrities as Joey Buttafuoco, William Hung and Lorena Bobbit.

“There was a time in this country when being a flash-in-the-pan had a lot more stability,” said Cindy Sheehan at a recent 15 Minuters rally. “It’s not fair that people like myself, Richard Hatch and Tonya Harding are scraping by, trying to make ends meet, while others like the OctoMom are receiving million dollar offers from the porn industry. Where’s my porn film contract?”

“Losing your 15 minutes of fame is every bit as devastating as losing an actual job,” said former senator John Edwards. “Opportunities dry up, TMZ stops following you, Tara Reid doesn’t come over to pass out on your futon anymore… and you’re left a broken shell of a person.”

Julio “McDonald’s Guy” Osegueda, who received short-lived media attention in early February for appearing at an Obama town hall, agrees wholeheartedly.

“For a whole week I was, like, the media gangstah,” said Osegueda. “Wolf Blitzer took me to a sweet media party where I did body shots off of Campbell Brown all night. Me and Keith Olbermann were gonna write a screenplay together. And Anderson Cooper took me antiquing for some reason. But now I’m back working at McDonald’s. It’s not right. President Obama needs to do something, yo.”

As luck would have it, the Obama administration is already responding to the crisis.

“Flash-in-the-pan celebrities are America’s greatest resource,” said President Obama at a recent town hall meeting. “That is why, under my administration, there will be a redistribution of fame minutes. If you earn less than 20 minutes of fame, you will not see a reduction. Whereas those earning more than their fair share of quasi-fame minutes must sacrifice for the good of the economy.”

Joe “the Plumber” Wurzelbacher has already publicly denounced Obama’s plan. “It’s socialism, plain and simple,” said Wurzelbacher. “It’s unfair to those of us who worked our asses off to unintentionally become media pawns.”

Categories: Satire
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