A Senator Finally Reads The Stimulus Bill

By Ryan Garns

Nine days after Congress passed the $787 billion dollar stimulus bill and five days after President Obama signed it into law, one senator has actually decided to sit down and read it.

"To be honest, I didn't actually read it," admitted Democrat senator Phil Catheter. "I paid two Asian hookers to strip naked and read it aloud to me while rubbing canola oil on each other. Otherwise it would have been a real snooze-fest. But I figured it was the least I could do, considering I voted for it."

And what does the senator think of the stimulus bill now that he's read it?

"I fucking love my job!" said the senator between snorts of cocaine from a nearby prostitute's breasts. "Americans have limitless cash and don't give a damn how we spend their money!"

The senator picked up the 1,073-page bill and began reading. "Get a load of this: 'Not less than $820 million shall be used for communal strategem investment apparatus projects.' What the hell is that? I don't know either. Who cares?"

"'Not less that $56 million shall be used for producing Swingin' Senators of Summer', which I believe is a stage musical that Harry Reid has been writing."

"Oh, oh... and here's my personal favorite: 'Not less than $3 billion shall be used for'... and then it just goes into several chapters from Sense and Sensibility. That's brilliant."

The senator also noted that his female companion "Cherry Garcia", star of the film Stop! Or My Wad Will Shoot!, will be appearing in the upstairs Blue Room of The Congressional Club in Washington this Wednesday.

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