© 2010 by Ryan Garns. All rights reserved.
April 5, 2009 |
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13 Comments 
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Chris Matthews Works at a Drive-Thru
(Customer pulls car up to the drive-thru speaker.) | |
| Chris Matthews: | (Over speaker) Welcome to In-N-Out Burger. I'm Chris Matthews. The Double-Double burger: two pure beef patties or too much to handle? Let's play hardball. |
| Customer: | Yeah, uh, I'd like to get-- |
| Chris Matthews: | Let me start with you. Do you think that the number two meal, which consists of a cheeseburger, a drink and a side of fries -- do you think that this could be something that you as an average American would be interested in getting? How do you think that will play? |
| Customer: | Uh... |
| Chris Matthews: | Does this meal resonate with people such as yourself? And how will it play with the evangelicals? |
| Customer: | Look, can I just-- |
| Chris Matthews: | Is that something that interests you? In the sense that you would be interested? |
| Customer: | Can I order please? |
| Chris Matthews: | Go ahead. |
| Customer: | I just want a number three-- |
| Chris Matthews: | That wasn't my question. You're not answering my question... |
| Customer: | I'm trying to-- |
| Chris Matthews: | My question was how does a single mom with six kids, two jobs and eight mortgages make the decision to go with a number two meal? |
| Customer: | What does that have to do with anything? |
| Chris Matthews: | Okay, let's move on to beverages... |
| Customer: | No, wait-- |
| Chris Matthews: | Now pretend you're an average American with no partisan zeal here. Does the fact that our milkshakes are made with real ice cream hold any sway with you? And should George W. Bush be tried for war crimes? |
| Customer: | Excuse me, but isn't your job to ask me what I want and listen to my answer? |
| Chris Matthews: | My job is to get at the truth. And I don't think your menu selection has been properly vetted. |
| Customer: | But I haven't even given you my-- |
| Chris Matthews: | Let's go to a clip of another customer speaking out on this issue. This is fascinating. Let's listen... |
| Audio Clip: | (Over speaker) I'd like a number two, hold the onions... Uh... Does it cost any less to hold the onions? |
| Chris Matthews: | Compelling stuff. Proving Americans are more concerned with pocketbook issues than the war in Iraq. What do you make of that? (Pause) ...Are you there? Whoa! What are you doing back here!? You're not allowed inside-- |
| Customer: | (Over speaker) I came in here to kick your ass, you obnoxious prick! |
| Chris Matthews: | What are you, a neo-con? Did Pat Buchanan send you? |
(Customer is heard beating Matthews' head against the deep fryer.) | |
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"Why don't you go ahead and kill yourself, then? You would be making more room for more intelligent people and your waste products won't be ruining the world we're living in."
- Steph, (commenter)
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