Man Founds New Country Based On U.S. Constitution; Deemed 'Threat' By U.S.

By Ryan Garns

An eccentric real estate mogul has issued a declaration of independence for his recently acquired private island in the Pacific Ocean south of Fiji. This new nation, called Freedonia, has borrowed none other than the United States Constitution for its basis of government.

"Other than replacing the words 'United States' with 'Freedonia', we're going to follow the Constitution to the letter without all the 'reinterpretations'," said the Freedonian founder. "This means no Internal Revenue Service, no Federal Reserve, no executive privilege, no Marbury v. Madison, no Roe v. Wade, and no Patriot Act. Just the straight, no-frills Constitution with all 27 amendments."

"No Roe v. Wade?? This man is obviously insane," declared U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Only a sociopath with total disregard for human rights would follow our Constitution as written."

Nevertheless, thousands of disenfranchised American citizens have reportedly begun packing their bags with their sights set on Freedonia, with thousands more from other countries looking to follow suit. As a result, immigration numbers in the United States have dropped.

"Freedonia is taking away potential American voters," cried Senator John McCain from the Senate floor. "America needs immigrants to create wedge issues during elections and to do to the jobs Americans won't do."

The U.S. government announced they will enforce sanctions against Freedonia "until they start subscribing to American principles."

Others in Congress believe sanctions are unnecessary, believing Freedonia will fizzle out on its own. "That kind of government won't last," said Pelosi. "I give 'em 222 years, at best."

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