Are You a Right-Wing Extremist?

By Ryan Garns

Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security

A Message from The Department of Homeland Security:

A controversy has broken out over the unclassified DHS Office of Intelligence and Analysis report that suggests domestic "right-wing extremists" pose a terrorist threat to the United States. Critics claim the report makes broad generalizations, and that anyone with conservative or libertarian leanings could potentially be classified as a "terrorist" and therefore privy to government surveillance.

In the interest of calming the fears of these extremists, the DHS would like to present the following "extremist quiz". This quiz is intended to better define our criteria for terrorism, as well as allow you, the public, to see if you qualify as a dangerous, bloodthirsty, right-wing extremist:

Are you a registered Republican?
Do you possess any of the following anti-American paraphernalia?

Firearms
Christmas decorations
A minivan
The American flag

Have you ever used the phrase "you people"?
Have you ever openly criticized President Barack Obama? In mixed company? Knowing full well that he's the first African American president? Are you serious?
Do you live in Missouri?
Have you ever entertained radical conspiracy theories, such as "the government is incompetent" or "Keith Olbermann is a liberal"?
Have you ever engaged in militia-like behavior, such as stock-piling food, putting locks on your doors, becoming friendly with war veterans, or saving money?
Have you ever engaged in any acts of white supremacy, such as employing, electing, befriending or procreating white people?

If you answered "no" to all of the above, congratulations! You are not a right-wing extremist, and therefore will only receive the minimum government surveillance required to make sure you stay that way.

If, however, you answered "yes" to any of the above, you may start noticing black vans parked outside your home and strange clicking noises over your telephone. Don't worry; these things are just part of your right-wing extremist paranoia. Just take 10 Vicodin with a fifth of scotch, leave your door unlocked, and we'll take care of the rest.

Have an Obamazing day!

Janet Napolitano
Secretary of Homeland Security & Miss Congeniality of 1978

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