April 26, 2008

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A Poseur's Guide to Token Activism

So you want to be an activist? You want to initiate social change and leave the world a better place than you found it? Of course you do. There's only one problem: you've got things pretty good in life and you don't want activism to screw it up. Activists can get arrested. They can lose their jobs. Sometimes they even get shot! Look at what happened to Martin Luther King. You don't want to end up like him, do you? Personally, I can't think of anything worse than being like Martin Luther King...

So is activism out of the question for the spoiled and weak-willed? Not at all! Thanks to today's jaded, set-the-bar-low political climate, you can engage in a new concept called "token activism" -- activism without risk or actual work! Imagine: being a tool for change without any real sacrifice. So what are you waiting for? Be a tool! Let's get started, because "American Idol" will be on soon...

Step 1: Pick an Issue

There certainly are a plethora of issues to be angry about these days: high gas prices, the Iraq war, the fact that you're missing "American Idol"...  With so many issues, which do you choose?

The first step is to pick an issue that inherently has no practical solution. This way your protest can never be labeled ineffective. Fighting against "world hunger" or "world poverty" are excellent examples. In fact, putting "world" in front of any issue is a good way to make it immediately impractical. Try it. World obesity. World immigration. World jaywalking. Works like a charm.

Also, try to avoid issues that are too controversial. Nothing will sour a fun activist experience more than people disagreeing with you. So make sure you only protest things that no one could possibly support. Here are examples of issues that are "safe" to protest:

• Genocide
• AIDS
• Communism (results may vary in North Eastern states)
• Baby cannibalism
• Puppy rape
• Segregation (results may vary in Southern states)

Step 2: Plan the Event

There are many types of activist events to choose from: boycotts, national awareness days, etc. Unfortunately these require work and sacrifice -- the two no-no's in token activism.

Take boycotts for example. Say you wish to boycott your cable company for its high prices. But wait, that means you can't watch cable! Are you sure you want to do that, especially in the midst of the "American Idol" finals?

The answer to this dilemma is simple: limit your boycott by time and/or space. You can limit it by time by refusing pay for cable when the television season is over (and resuming when the new season starts again). Or limit it by space, whereby you refuse to pay for cable in your own home, but happily go to your friend's house to watch his 60" plasma. (In this case, you must also refuse to chip in for beer or food as that would indirectly finance your friend's cable bill.)

TOKEN GESTURE: To promote saving energy during Earth Hour, Google switched its website to black. This is much easier than, say, actually saving energy by shutting its servers down for an hour.

As for national awareness days, make sure that people who aren't even aware of your proposed day will be inadvertently engaged in it. This will help to inflate the number of "participants" in your event. For example, declaring every Wednesday to be "Gasoline Boycott Day"; this is perfect because millions of people will not be buying gas on Wednesdays as the result of their normal routines. Or declare a day of wearing green to support environmentalism... on St. Patrick's Day. You get the idea.

Step 3: Marketing

There are a lot of ways to market your activist event: radio, TV, billboards, etc. Unfortunately those all cost money. For the token activist, there is only one form of mass media to consider: email! That's right -- the favorite venue of office comedians and penis pump retailers can also be used for serious political change. And it's free, takes mere seconds and little thought to create.

For best results, be sure to write your email in a "chain letter" format. Most people enjoy this kind of email, as it gives them something fun and communal to participate in. Granted, some of your recipients may complain about your so-called "spam", but remember: you have the moral authority here. You're calling for social change, not them. Feel free to chastise them for their lack of vision in front of coworkers.

Step 4: Reap the Rewards

So you've picked your issue, planned your event and sent out your emails. Now it's time to bask in the masturbatory glow of self-righteousness that only token activism can bring. Hmm... feels good, doesn't it? If all goes well, you'll have all sorts of hippy women in cargo pants attracted to your "sensitivity" and fawning over you for sex -- even if you're a woman. And if you followed our advice, you will have successfully engaged in political activism with less effort than it took you to read this article... and that's probably saying a lot.

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