© 2010 by Ryan Garns. All rights reserved.
May 4, 2008 |
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29 Comments 
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Customer Service Calls to God
| Support Rep: | Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today? |
| Woman Caller: | (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God. |
| Support Rep: | I'm sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there's something I can assist you with? |
| Woman Caller: | M-My father... he's... in a coma. |
| Support Rep: | Okay. May I get your ID number, ma'am? |
| Woman Caller: | What? I don't have... |
| Support Rep: | It's on the back of your bible. |
| Woman Caller: | (The receiver is jostled. Pause) ...56839? |
| Support Rep: | Okay, ma'am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone? |
| Woman Caller: | Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God... to look out for my father... and... deliver him from-- |
| Support Rep: | Okay, ma'am. I just activated your father. Try him now. |
| Father: | (In background) Mary? What's going on? |
| Woman Caller: | Oh my God! He's awake!! |
| Support Rep: | Is there anything else I can assist you with today? |
| Woman Caller: | Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!! |
| Support Rep: | You're welcome, ma'am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur-- |
(Line goes dead.) |
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| Support Rep: | Thank you for calling God. My name is Todd. How may I assist you today? |
| Male Caller: | Yes, I would like to submit a complaint. I recently-- |
| Support Rep: | Please hold. |
("Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett plays over the line. The song fades out...) |
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| Recording: | Did you know that you can now pray to God online? Just log on to god-online.com/pray. It's free and easy. Try it today. ¿Sabías que puedes ahora rogar a dios en línea? Apenas señalar-- |
| Support Rep: | (Cuts in) Complaints. This is Janice. |
| Male Caller: | Hello, Janice. I recently submitted a prayer to God asking that the Phoenix Suns win the divisional playoffs. And they were knocked out in the first round 4 to 1. |
| Support Rep: | Can I get your ID number, sir? |
| Male Caller: | 83628. And I'm very upset because I had season tickets and we had a whole trip planned to-- |
| Support Rep: | I'm sorry, sir, but your account status doesn't cover frivolous prayers such as lotteries, stock portfolios or sporting events. |
| Male Caller: | I see. |
| Support Rep: | Would you like to upgrade to Evangelical? |
| Recording: | Hello, I'm an automated operator. In order to properly direct your call, please say the name of your religion. |
| Caller: | Buddhism. |
| Recording: | Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me? |
| Caller: | Buddhism! |
| Recording: | Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say-- |
| Caller: | BUDDHISM! |
| Recording: | Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could-- |
| Caller: | BOO-DIZ-UMM!!!! |
| Recording: | Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me? |
| Caller: | (Sighs) Christianity. |
| Recording: | Very good. Let's proceed... |
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"I don't believe Ryan Garns exists. I think there's a team of super-sharp writers behind this blog facade."
- Tiggy, Tiggyblog
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