DHS Ramp Up Arrests To Make Surveillance 'Less Annoying'

By Ryan Garns

"Do you have any idea how irritating most people are to eavesdrop on?" says Steve McCroskey, Surveillance Director at the Department of Homeland Security. "We monitor millions of phone calls, emails, instant messages, tweets, blogs, podcasts, and other communications... and frankly we're fed up listening to everyone's mindless drivel."

"Morale is low. We're losing employees every month because they can't stand filtering out endless internet memes, Marvel Comics debates, and American Idol predictions. Something has to be done."

According to McCroskey, the solution is simple: improve the quality of content to monitor by expanding the definition of terrorism to incarcerate obnoxiousness.

"Listen to this," says McCroskey as he plays an audio file of what at first sounds like a screeching cat. "This is a 2 A.M. phone call from a drunk woman in Scranton singing 'Hungry Like the Wolf' to her boyfriend. Do you think we enjoy analyzing that for potential terrorist content? Hell, no. You know what? Fuck her. She's now on the terrorist list. Next case."

Under this new policy, the DHS definition of terrorism has now grown to include the following:

Anyone with a website that auto-plays music.
People who include trite inspirational quotations in their email signature.
Anyone named Perez Hilton.
People who share YouTube links of Susan Boyle, laughing babies, funny cat antics, homoerotic Kirk/Spock music videos, or anyone playing the Super Mario Bros. theme on an unusual instrument.

"Is it my responsibility to keep America safe? Sure," says McCroskey. "But it's also my responsibility to make sure this department is a place people want to work in. And our monthly team builders at Applebee's just aren't cutting it."

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