May 11, 2008

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Obituaries... From the Future!

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton
Dead at age 80

Former First Lady, U.S. Senator, and tenacious presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton died last Tuesday. She is survived by her daughter, Chelsea Clinton-Timberlake. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, mysteriously disappeared after Mrs. Clinton's failed presidential run in 2008.

Determined to be the first woman president in U.S. history, Mrs. Clinton ran for election in 2008, 2012, 2016, 2020 and 2024 -- losing every time. In a recent Redbook interview, Mrs. Clinton intimated that "losing the nomination in 2020 to my daughter Chelsea hurt the most. I thought I had her when I revealed during the debates that she wet the bed until she was 15."

The cause of death was a cocktail weenie that got lodged in Mrs. Clinton's throat at a fundraiser for her 2028 presidential bid. In spite of the coroner's report, Clinton campaign manager James Carville says that Mrs. Clinton is still alive. "Hillary is not dead and she's not out of this race," stated Carville's cryogenically-preserved head. "We have the math to prove it."

Funeral services will be held outside the White House this Saturday. In accordance with her wishes, Mrs. Clinton's body will be shot out of a cannon aimed at the window of the Oval Office.

Osama bin Muhammad bin 'Awad bin Laden
Dead at age 76

Terrorist and Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden passed away in his California home last Thursday due to natural causes. He is most famous for planning the 9/11 attacks on America in 2001 which killed nearly 3,000 people. He is survived by his Shih Tzu, Mr. Tinkles.

After 9/11 America sought to capture bin Laden but to no avail. In 2009 President Barack Obama reduced efforts to fight terrorism and bin Laden was more or less ignored. Over the next few years bin Laden orchestrated attacks that claimed over 10,000 more lives. Secretary of the Environment Al Gore attributed the deaths to global warming.

"I can't get arrested in this town... literally," said bin Laden on Meet The Press with Carson Daly back in 2015. The U.S. government continued to be incapable of capturing the notorious terrorist -- even during the two seasons of his short-lived FOX sitcom, Jumpin' Jihad! Government officials said defensively, "how could anyone find him in that lousy time slot?"

In 2018 Osama bin Laden became a professor of history at the University of California at Berkeley. "I've finally found a way to do real damage to the Great Satan, America," said bin Laden of his new job. "And I'm learning a lot from the other professors."

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