May 19, 2008

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Garns Announces Presidential Bid for '08

Today I would like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States, including Alaska if necessary. I am a 35 year old white male born and raised in the Midwest. That alone puts me in the most coveted marketing demographic in America -- something that should make the other three candidates shake in their collective boots. While they're all trying to figure out how to attract young white male voters, I'm already there, baby! I know what attracts me and they ain't it. But more importantly, I believe I have the character and cojones to lead this country into the 22nd century. That's right, I said the 22nd century. The 21st century is passé already. It's so "2000". Also I will not be running under any party banner. This will liberate my campaign from the ideologues of the Democrats, the incompetence of the Republicans, and the necessary campaign funds both those parties generate. I should also point out that I don't work weekends.

So what are my positions on the issues, you ask? First of all, let me say that you're being awfully rude. Second, over the next several months I plan on unveiling my positions one by one at the appropriate time. After all, I'm doing you a favor by running for president; the least you could do is give me time to figure out what the hell I believe. For now, however, let's talk about one of the most important issues this election season: foreign policy.

There's been a lot of talk lately about the ramifications of appeasement with our enemies. For the record, I am against appeasement. I can barely stomach the idea of appeasing voters, much less our nation's enemies. As your president, not only will I not engage in appeasement, but I strongly support a policy of making our enemies think I'm fucking nuts. It is vital to our nation's security that our enemies believe the U.S. President is crazier than they are, thereby co-opting their threats.

Therefore, as president, I promise to be seen wandering the White House garden wearing military camouflage and a tutu. I promise to end my public addresses, not with "God Bless America", but with firing two Colt revolvers into the air and yelling, "I'm leader of the free world!! Yeeeehaaaww!!!" I promise to meet with Iranian President Ahmadinejad dressed exactly like him (mustache and all) and mimic everything he says in a goofy voice until he gets mad... then shoot his crotch with a Super Soaker. Remember: despots respect crazy.

So stay tuned, America, as I unveil more of my plans and positions on the issues as I see fit. But don't rush me. Otherwise I might just pull out of the race and then where will you be? That's right: up shit creek, my friend. And Fred Thompson and I will have a good laugh at your expense.

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