My Policies For a Gooder America

By Ryan Garns

Several weeks ago I declared my candidacy for President of the United States. I made my announcement on something called the "internet", which I'm told is used by hundreds of people worldwide. Today I return to explain what you can expect from an inevitable Garns administration, as well as respond to a recent story involving one of my political opponents, Barack Obama.

During a recent foreign policy conference in Washington D.C., Barack Obama advisor Richard Danzig stated that American foreign policy should emulate the teachings of Winnie The Pooh, claiming the children's book to be "a fundamental text on national security". As of this writing, Winnie The Pooh has been unavailable for comment.

Danzig, who is in line to become the National Security Advisor in an Obama administration, also went on to say that Star Wars and Luke Skywalker serve as a window into the motivation of terrorists. Apparently jihadists believe that killing civilians is no different than being able to bull's-eye womp rats with a T-16 on Tatooine.

As your future President, I must admit that when I first read this story I thought: Wow! Solving world problems is easy! Here I was all nervous about being your President and having to come up with intelligent, viable solutions to complex problems. But Barack Obama's campaign has just demonstrated that leading the free world is no more difficult than turning to literary fiction and movies for answers. What a relief!

So in that spirit, I now present you with my policies for America as they relate to the lessons taught by pop culture:

MY ECONOMIC POLICY
Based on 'The Hobbit'

How America ever evolved away from Middle Earth, I'll never know. This period in American history was our greatest ever and we should strive to return to that way of life. I believe everyone should live like hobbits -- that is to say, quasi-Irish midgets. Therefore I propose putting vast socialized economic programs in place so that our citizens will return to the hobbit life, i.e. living in holes in the ground, drinking excessively and smoking weed. Tell me that won't bring out the youth vote!

MY NATIONAL SECURITY POLICY
Based on 'Smokey and the Bandit'

During the Clinton administration, America was busy taking a 10-100 on the side of the road while terrorists plotted against us. As a result, we now face the threat of terrorists obtaining nuclear weapons like so many bootlegged cases of Coors. America must aggressively find Osama bin Laden's 20 and eliminate him, but we must also be patient -- after all, it took three movies before Sheriff Buford T. Justice could catch the Bandit. I say we go after those terrorist "tick turds" and pursue a policy of Middle East Bound and Down.

MY GAS CRISIS POLICY
Based on 'Back To The Future'

High gas prices are hurting the American pocketbook. As President, I would strongly support government funded research into the development of a Flux Capacitor that allows us to travel back in time to buy cheap gas. Or for that matter, we could travel to the future where beer cans and banana peels are being used as alternate fuel sources. Unfortunately, building a Flux Capacitor requires doing business with Libyan nationalists in order to obtain the necessary plutonium for the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. However, as your President I would diplomatically offer to build them a bomb and instead give them a casing full of pinball machine parts.

'Blade Runner'

I don't really have a political policy for this one. I just think it's a cool movie. Remember that shower scene with Joanna Cassidy's boobies? That was sweet.

| Subscribe Email

| Subscribe

| Random Random Post

| Permalink

| 4 Comments