June 22, 2009

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Angry Blog Comments: A Literal Response

One of the pitfalls of writing comedy, apart from attracting copious numbers of women whose hearts must be toyed with to keep them at bay, is that occasionally I'll get readers who simply don't understand irony.

A case in point: a piece I wrote entitled "Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option." The basic premise was to satirize two political ideas (global warming and abortion) so that one "justified" the other, thereby highlighting the stupidity of both. And hilarity, a la "A Modest Proposal" ensued. Or so I thought.

Since then, the article has received several nasty comments from pro-life readers. I certainly don't expect everyone to enjoy my humor, but these people took the article at face value and believed I was actually promoting the idea of offing one's offspring to save the planet. Irony was lost on these people.

So it occurred to me: since these people do not recognize irony, it's logical to assume that their comments were intended to be read without irony. Therefore, I'd like to present a sample of these comments, followed by my strict, literal interpretation of them. Because I'm sure they would have wanted it that way...

From "prolife":

"this website is riduculous. it is absolutely horrible that you think abortions are 'helping the planet'. You people are so crazy. that's like me going and killing all the people i don't like because it's helping the planet..."

Wait a minute... you're killing all the people that you don't like?? Since you didn't say "if I were to kill," I can only conclude that you are, in fact, murdering people! For the love of God, sir, please, DON'T KILL AGAIN!!! How many have you killed? Never mind! I don't want to know! To an experienced killer like yourself, abortion might seem like a horrible way of helping the planet, but your way is no better! Killing people you don't like is wrong, despite your stated belief that "it's helping the planet."

"...i hope you die!! now!!! suck my balls asshole!"

Oh God! Now he's coming after me! What's worse, his statement suggests he wants me to give him oral pleasure AFTER I'm dead! Please, somebody stop this murderous necrophiliac! Before he kills and fucks again!

From "rowan":

"this is sick. if your all so worried about the environment why not kill all the jews or blacks..."

So you recommend killing Jews and blacks? I wasn't aware they were harmful to the environment. Then again, my view of environmentalism is limited. I'm only familiar with Walden, not Mein Kampf.

"...even better why not commit suicide..."

Well, that's just silly. If you committed suicide, who would kill the Jews and blacks?

"or mabey just grow up a little bit and dont get yourself up the duff in the 1st place that would be the the mature and 'green' thing to do."

I can assure you, sir, that I have never gotten myself up my own duff -- a task that would require serious gymnastics. Unless, of course, you meant actress/singer Hilary Duff, in which case similar gymnastics would be required.

"..also think off the hosptital waste due to all the abortions"

I'm afraid I'm still thinking of Hilary Duff. Check back in five minutes.

From "former embryo":

"...show me hard scientific evidence that an embryo isnt alive and i'll laugh at your retarded out look on life..."

Although I don't believe hard scientific evidence exists, I'm intrigued that you would laugh at such evidence if presented to you. Are you in the habit of laughing at science? If so, perhaps I should write up some good "science comedy" in the future. Please check back again for upcoming posts you'll no doubt find hilarious, like "Gravity? I'm Not 'Down' with That!" and "Enough with the Cancer Research Already!"

"...better then that,i'll fuck every guy behind this sick shit with out a condom and then abort the evidence..."

Request accepted. Anyone out there with scientific proof that an embryo isn't alive, please send your findings to:

Please note that hypotheses are only worth a handjob, and theories are worth a tossed salad with an optional rusty trombone.

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