California Seeks More Celebrity Deaths To Boost Economy

By Ryan Garns

The state of California, crippled with a $25 billion deficit, 11.5% unemployment, and a devastating Simon Cowell contract negotiation, is in desperate need of an economic turnaround. But thanks to the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and other famous icons, the Golden State may have found its golden goose.

Jackson's public memorial service in Los Angeles this Tuesday could potentially attract up to 100,000 people from all over the world. This means huge dollars being pumped into the local economy via hotels, restaurants, gift stores, tattoo parlors, bobblehead shops, etc. In other words, it's an economic godsend. And for a state with a high number of celebrity residents on their last legs, it's a godsend that state officials believe could be repeated.

That is why the California legislature, in hopes of instigating similar revenue opportunities, has proposed the new "Celebrity Death Stimulus" bill. This bill includes the following provisions:

Movie and television actors are now required by law to perform their own stunts.
A repeal of all laws pertaining to celebrity stalkers and restraining orders.
Celebrities enrolled at the Betty Ford Center will be immediately discharged with a complimentary Jack Daniels & Heroin Kit gift basket.
Cosmetic surgery for any celebrity must be performed within a roving "botox van" operated by professionals under a guest worker program.

To quell the concerns of fearful celebrities, the bill also includes an "Aggrandizement Clause". This clause states that any celebrity who dies from this bill is guaranteed a posthumous award (Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, et al) and a three-part special on E! declaring them a "genius" -- no matter how untalented or morally despicable the celebrity. The clause was added after intense negotiations between the state legislature and talent agents from William Morris, ICM and CAA.

Meanwhile, local public reaction to the proposed bill has been mixed, ranging from "This is celebrity genocide!" to "Maybe this will help our economy," to "Can we start with Schwarzenegger?"

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