My Upcoming Autobiography / Smear Book

By Ryan Garns

It has become common practice for political candidates to publish glowing autobiographies during their campaigns. It is also common practice for these books to be followed by unauthorized "smear" biographies written by the candidate's detractors. Therefore, as a presidential candidate who believes in unification, I've decided to co-author my life's story with a professional smear writer. This way you'll get my written account in one paragraph followed by the smear in the next. After all, if I'm going to get vilified, I might as well share in the book sales.

So without further ado, here are some excerpts from my soon-to-be-published book, A Born Leader: How Ryan Garns Will Rape America.

I was born in the heartland of America: a small town called Patriot, Iowa. Don't bother looking for it on a map; it's only an Applebee's now. My parents named me Ryan after their favorite president, Abraham Lincoln. From the moment I was born I was clearly destined for greatness. At 10 months old I looked at a picture of George McGovern and spoke my first word, "Loser." From then on I dedicated my life to public service.

He was born Ryan Hussein Stalin Hitler Garns. Sources suggest that he was born inside a taxi cab in downtown Havana, which would make him ineligible for the presidency. It is also said that the man who delivered the baby was Communist revolutionary Che Guevara. Ryan cried incessantly until someone wrapped him in the Cuban flag -- the only thing that would calm him.

I was raised in a predominantly Christian community. It was here that my core values took shape, which, as luck would have it, are the same exact values that mainstream middle American voters have. I know that in this secular age it's unfashionable to publicly state your spiritual beliefs, but gosh darn it, I'm giddy about God and I don't care who knows it.

Garns' upbringing was far from religious. In fact, he has only attended church twice in his life, and during the sermons would reportedly giggle at phrases like "missionary work". On several occasions Garns has even argued against the existence of God, often using Adam Carolla as evidence.

My scholastic career was impressive. I excelled in all disciplines: math, science, history, lamaze. It was in high school that I first revealed my aptitude for leadership. I was unanimously elected President of the Student Body and, soon afterward, led the invasion of a neighboring school. So impressed were my instructors that they retired my locker number.

Garns' grade point average never exceeded 2.5 as he spent much of his education doing "whippets" instead of studying. The only school election Garns ever won was for being voted "Most Likely To Appear On 'Cops'". And according to his high school girlfriend, who preferred to remain anonymous (as she did when they were dating), Garns doesn't clip his toenails. Can we trust this man as Commander-in-Chief?

To read the rest of this opus, be sure to pick up a copy when it arrives at bookstores everywhere next month! Or pick up the audio version as read by Tori Spelling.

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