The Two Coreys Seek Government Bailout

By Ryan Garns

Corey Feldman (left) and Corey Haim demonstrate their unrivaled skill at looking cool while waiting for the photographer to snap the picture.

Alleged actors Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are seeking a financial bailout from the United States government to stave off career and fiscal ruin. Haim and Feldman, who starred together in several movies during the late 1980s, recently starred in the reality show "The Two Coreys" which reportedly will not be renewed for another season.

"We saw what the feds did for Fanny Mae, Freddie Mac and AIG," says Haim. "And Corey and I feel that we are every bit as vital an American institution as they are."

Feldman concurs. "If the Coreys go down, America goes down." When asked to explain this logic, Feldman had to excuse himself to make a Carmel Macchiato for a customer.

"We've mismanaged our careers in much the same way that these financial institutions have been mismanaged," Haim continued. "That is to say we spent money we didn't have on pussy and drugs."

Some lawmakers are proposing a buyout of the Coreys, believing that the government would do a better job of managing their careers than the private sector. Congressman Barney Frank said on the House floor today, "I've been writing a screenplay that would be perfect for them. It's kind of like Heat meets Righteous Kill, but instead of DeNiro and Pacino, it's Haim and Feldman."

Both the Obama and McCain campaigns also spoke out on the crisis. Senator Barack Obama, during an appearance in Vermont where he served gruel to middle-class families, told reporters: "The Coreys are yet another example of the failed Bush policies of the last eight years. Washington cronyism and special interests have deprived us of Dream a Little Dream 3."

Senator John McCain, while appearing at a male auction in Utah to benefit short-sighted women, also went on record to say, "What the hell is a Corey?"

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