October 12, 2008

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Shiny Happy Socialism

As the American way of life continues to fall to socialism -- thanks to a massive economic bailout bill and the impending presidential election between Senator Big-Government and Senator Big-Government-With-Low-Taxes -- it's easy to lose sight of the fact that abolishing capitalism should be a pleasant experience.

In order to help Americans embrace socialism as the new world order, the United States Congress (at the request of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) would like you to read the following myths and facts about socialism. Hopefully this will clear up any concerns you may have as America goes forward with this exciting new form of government.

Myth:
Socialism requires giving up civil liberties.

Fact:
...Only the ones you're not going to need.

Let's face it: some freedoms aren't really necessary. Honestly, do you really need free speech? I mean, really? Many countries do not have free speech and they're getting along just fine. And when was the last time you actually used it? That time you called a traffic cop a douchebag under your breath so he couldn't hear you? I thought so.

The reality is that most people have nothing of interest to say anyway and therefore don't need protected speech. Only people who say things that threaten the status quo and potentially harm others need protection -- and why would you want to protect those who threaten you? It's just common sense.

Myth:
Socialism's concept of equality is that
"some are more equal than others."

Fact:
Under socialism, everyone is equally inferior.

Undoubtedly you've picked up that "more equal than others" phrase from George Orwell's Animal Farm, as well as some common misconceptions about socialism. Allow us to debunk Mr. Orwell's novel for you:

1. Animal Farm presents a straw man argument, as the government it depicts was doomed to fail since animals can't talk, much less coordinate complex government systems. Rest assured that your human representatives in Congress are extremely fluent at talking -- and we pledge that the number of farm animals holding public office will be kept to a minimum.
2. George Orwell considered himself a socialist, and his works were against totalitarianism, not socialism. The fact that Mr. Orwell could intellectually separate the two demonstrates a vital ingredient to being a socialist: denial. We in the U.S. Government strongly recommend its citizens engage in denial, as it makes for a smoother transition to socialism.

Myth:
Socialism simply doesn't work.

Fact:
Shut your fucking mouth.

The reason socialism has had a bumpy past is because of skeptics like you gumming up the works. Remember the cardinal rule of socialism: nobody likes a quitter. Just think of socialism as a strained marriage -- you just have to keep working at it until one of you is in the grave.

That's all for now. If you still have concerns, please send in your full name and address to the government -- we'll be happy to send over some people who will explain it to you. We're certain that once you switch to socialism, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it!

Nancy Pelosi	Harry Reid

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