Category: Satire

A Beta Male’s Letter to Penthouse

Hotel Bar

Photo by olliethebastard

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, but my story is just too hot to go untold. And when I say “hot”, I mean hot. We’re talking Bridges of Madison County hot!

I don’t ordinarily go to bars, nor do I attempt to solicit beautiful women apart from that time I got a retweet from Felicia Day. Nevertheless, there I was, out of the blue, having a Kiwi Sangria in a local pub. You only live once, right?

And that’s when I saw her. A dark-haired, long-legged beauty posing with her back arched against the bar. She was like some erotic warrior queen out of Heavy Metal magazine — except she was holding an Appletini and wasn’t mounting a giant were-bat.

Our eyes met, but I couldn’t bring myself to go talk to her. I didn’t want to appear like every other guy who goes to a bar and, you know… enjoys talking to women. Besides, I’ve found that it’s always best to let the woman make the first move. This allows her to set the pace, and invariably allows me to get a good night’s sleep.

Well, my quiet, manly impotence must have hit her like a thunderbolt, because she soon sauntered my way. “Buy me a drink,” she said. What luck! Here was my chance to score big points by showing her A.) I have money, and B.) I’m subservient. Eat your heart out, Justin Timberlake!

As the night went on, I was clearly winning her over. I knew things were going really well when she asked me to hold her purse so she could hit the dance floor. As I watched her grinding her body up against other men on the dance floor, I imagined I was one of them. I became so excited I had to take a few hits from my inhaler. People would walk by and see me standing there holding a woman’s purse, and they’d smile and chuckle to themselves. Oh yeah. They knew what kind of a wild night I was in for!

Forty-five minutes later she said, “Okay, Action Jackson. I’m going home.” I handed back her purse and asked if anything was wrong. She said no. Then I said, “Well, can I… uh…” I couldn’t get the words out, but she knew what I wanted. “Sure, why not,” she said. “Come back to my place, stud.”

Let me tell you… we stayed up aaallll night long, the two of us, sprawled out on her sofa, overcome by our emotions, as we watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And as you can probably imagine, this led to several more hours of heated passion between us — debating which was the better of the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan matchups.

But the best part came at the end of the night. She held my face gently in her hands, looked deep into my eyes and said, “Let’s be friends.”


Step one in my plan to win her heart was now complete. It was only a matter of time before she would succumb to step two: consoling her as she tells me her relationship problems with other men.

She will be mine. Oh yes… she will be mine…

— D.A., Sheyboygan, WI.

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The Garns Delusion: Does Ryan Garns Exist?

Richard DawkinsRichard Dawkins is an evolutionary biologist, outspoken atheist, and cover model for this year’s Scientific American Swimsuit Issue. He has authored many books including The God Delusion and The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution, and is currently working on a new book entitled Charlie Sheen and Other Evolutionary Mutations.


Greetings, fellow rationalists. I’ve been asked to write a guest commentary on an issue that has been on the minds of readers for the last 16 months: does Ryan Garns exist? With this essay, I hope to prove (as would many of Ryan’s ex-girlfriends) that he does not exist.

First, let’s look at the facts:

  1. Mr. Garns has not written a post on his website since November of 2009.
  2. Mr. Garns has neglected to regularly update his Facebook and Twitter statuses.
  3. Mr. Garns has not returned the movie Extract which he received from Netflix back in August 2010.
  4. Mr. Garns has received numerous unsolicited letters from JCPenney, Publishers Clearing House and the Church of Scientology — all of which have suspiciously gone unanswered.
  5. Mr. Garns is a registered Independent, which is about as close to being non-existent as you can get.

These facts point to the inescapable conclusion that Ryan Garns does not exist.

Now let’s discuss the counter-arguments for the existence of Ryan Garns. Typically they fall into one of three categories: a priori, a posteriori, and a posteriori in a red wine sauce. For example, a typical a priori argument might go like this:

Socrates: Phaedrus, I want you to think of the funniest blogger imaginable.
Phaedrus: Okay, done.
Socrates: Does this blogger exist in real life?
Phaedrus: No.
Socrates: Is Ryan Garns the funniest blogger imaginable?
Phaedrus: Hell, no.
Socrates: Ergo, Ryan Garns exists!
Phaedrus: Can I go now?

As you can see, this type of dialectical thinking is laughable, especially when performed by grown men wearing togas. Only a deluded simpleton would think it achieves anything resembling logic.

“But wait,” argues the deluded simpleton. “How do I know that you’re really Richard Dawkins? Aren’t you actually Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins for purpose of this silly blog post?”

If I were, then that would also mean that you’re Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins posing as a deluded simpleton for the purpose of asking that silly question.

“Hmm… good point,” says the deluded simpleton. “Does this mean we could get sued by the real Richard Dawkins for the unauthorized use of his name?”

Oh. Right. In that case, I am Ryan Garns. Just kidding, folks! I’ll be back again soon (hopefully) with more drivel…

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Ryan’s Tips for Dealing with Writer’s Block

Writer's block

Photo by Rennett Stowe

Let’s be honest: writing is like passing a gallstone.

Better yet, writing is like trying to politely kick out that lonely bachelor who’s always the last to leave after a party.

No… no, wait… actually, writing is like watching a Hayden Christensen movie, where 45 minutes in you begin to think, “On my list of stimulating activities, this ranks just below describing my stool to a doctor.”

Well, at any rate, writing is just like something else that humorously illustrates something you don’t look forward to doing. There. Happy?

And yet, writing is necessary. Especially if one hopes to be a writer. Oh sure, you could try being a writer without actually writing. But then you’d have to find readers who don’t actually read. And that’s a very difficult arrangement to find, much less make money at. Unless, of course, you’re a Hollywood screenwriter. In which case you’re all set, so why are you wasting my time?

What is it about writing that makes it so difficult? Is it the act of typing? No, typing is easy. Type type type. Click click click. Chocolate stupid fart pillow. See? No problem at all.

Perhaps it’s having to put your thoughts down on paper that’s difficult. That’s certainly harder than just typing, but it’s still not a real issue. In fact, I’ll write what I’m thinking right now:

Hurray for white people!

There, that wasn’t so bad.

In reality, I think writer’s block is born from the knowledge that someone is actually going to read what you write. Will they like my writing? Will they find it intresting? Will they notice I just misspelled “interesting”? And what the hell have I got to say, anyway? The only good ideas I have are the ones I should probably keep to myself — like how Schindler’s List is actually improved by syncing it to the first Jonas Brothers album.

So, in a way, it’s not really your fault that you have writer’s block. It’s your readers’ fault. How dare they read your work! Let’s face it: once you start caring about what your readers think, it’s all downhill from there. Next thing you know, you’ll be rewriting… which is worse than Communism and the Oakland Raiders combined.

But I digress. I seem to recall promising you some “tips” or something like that, right? Okay, so here you go — some helpful tips on how to work through your writer’s block…

  • Trying breaking the rules! Perhaps the reason you’re blocked is because you’ve allowed your writing to become stagnant and formulaic. If so, try writing something out of the ordinary. Like writing naked on a commuter train. Or replacing all your verbs with the word pork. Or write in human blood. The possibilities are endless!
  • Commit a felony! I know some writers like If I Did It author O.J. Simpson swear by this method. It may seem obvious, but committing a federal crime is a great way to obtain compelling subject matter as well as generate public interest in your work. Just ask Martha Stewart.
  • Write a meandering, half-assed, how-to article on tips for dealing with writer’s block! I haven’t tried this one myself yet, but it seems like something that could work.
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