RyanGarns.com

Giving Thanks for the 1980's

27 Nov 2008 15:20:00 MST

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Today is a special day for me because it's also my birthday. That's right -- I'm another year older, which frankly doesn't have the same charm it used to. Once you're past 25, getting older isn't that great. It's times like these when I slip into a turkey-induced coma that I begin to reminisce about days gone by and how I'll one day pass along my legacy...

"Grandpa, tell us about the 1980's!"

Old man Ryan Garns had been awoken by his granddaughter and grandson, ages 9 and 7, running into the living room where he was reclined in his favorite chair.

"The 1980's?" he asked. "That was so long ago... I was only a child not much older than you two."

"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaasssse!" the children pleaded in unison.

"Okay, okay," said Grandpa as he downed the last of his bourbon. "Let's see. The 1980's... were perhaps the most significant cultural decade in American history. It was a time of great art, music and literature. A time where leg warmers, banana clips, parachute pants and Swatch watches were more widespread than Tawny Kitaen's legs."

"Is it true that everyone in the 80's was a coke addict?" asked the girl.

"Oh, sure," said Grandpa. "We all did cocaine. When I was in school we used to do lines of coke during recess that our mothers would pack for us in our Knight Rider lunch boxes."

"Was there really a Hollywood actor for President?" asked the boy.

"You bet. His name was Ronald Reagan. And Molly Ringwald was the First Lady. They met on the set of Tango & Cash where Reagan starred opposite Tip O'Neill."

"What were movies like in the 80's?" asked the boy.

"The films of the 1980's broke new ground and called for social change. Michael J. Fox, for example, paved the way for 35-year-old actors to play teenagers. Stripes was a searing indictment of the military-industrial complex. And, believe it or not, Tom Hanks was actually funny."

"Tom Hanks?" asked the boy. "You mean he wasn't a crying little Oscar-winning bitch-boy?"

"Not yet. That would come later."

"What about music?" asked the girl.

"Oh, we had the best music ever conceived by man. Artists like Boy George, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett and Duran Duran all created an entire generation of sexually confused teenage boys. Bands like Poison and Winger showed the world that you could wear makeup and hairspray and still be considered butch. Then there were ZZ Top who taught us the importance of being a sharp-dressed man, even though they themselves dressed like flamboyant hillbillies."

"What about rap?"

"We invented rap! And back then, rap wasn't just for black people..."

The children cooed in amazement.

"That's right," Grandpa continued. "In fact, white people even made rap albums -- and nobody laughed at them for doing so!

"Our music could penetrate the soul with even the most subtle of lyrics. When Def Leppard sang 'Pour Some Sugar On me,' we all knew they weren't talking about sugar. And our music had a political conscience! After Manuel Noriega seized control of Panama, Van Halen released their hit single 'Panama'. Take that, Noriega!

"Yeah," sighed Grandpa. "The 80's were a crazy time, kids. Even though we were all walking on sunshine, we were also the owners of a lonely heart. We took our broken wings and learned to fly again, but what's your price for flight in finding Mister Right?"

"Grandpa, will there ever be another 1980's?" asked the boy.

"I'm afraid not. Not unless we were to bend the laws of physics and disrupt the space-time continuum. You wouldn't want to disrupt the space-time continuum, would you?"

"No," said the boy.

"Would you?!" said Grandpa, grabbing the boy by his shirt.

"No!"

"Okay, then," Grandpa said calmly. "Now why don't you two go make your Grandpa another Irish car bomb."

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Google Purchases God

16 Nov 2008 12:34:00 MST

Google Inc. (stock symbol GOOG) announced today that it has acquired God (stock symbol GOD) for an estimated $8.2 billion. News of this acquisition has already rocked Wall Street as well as Vatican City, leaving many business analysts and religious leaders wondering what the Silicon Valley giant plans to do with the Almighty.

"It's real simple: God is the ultimate search engine," says Google CEO Steve Stevenson. "Imagine searching for 'Osama bin Laden' and getting a Google Map of his exact location. Or searching for 'the meaning of life' and actually getting the answer."

The amount of data that God collects is undoubtedly staggering and Google hopes to boost its entire online software suite with this newly acquired omniscience.

One such boost would be given to AdSense, Google's advertising network. Instead of merely displaying relevant ads based on keywords, the new God-powered AdSense would also tweak the ads to cater to an individual's fears, dreams and sins. While shopping online, a husband might see an ad stating, "Hi Phil. Your wife Debbie knows you're diddling your receptionist. You'd better click here," which takes him to Kay Jewelers or the nearest law firm.

This acquisition further escalates the competition between Google and Microsoft, who was also looking to buy out the media-shy Creator. Now in an effort to remain competitive, Microsoft is looking to buy out Satan, the Prince of Darkness (stock symbol BEZLBUB). If successful, the acquisition would also give Microsoft control over Satan's subsidiaries, such as Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Productions and Facebook.

As expected, God was unavailable for comment. However sources close to the long-time deity state that He was happy to finally sell off His godliness and that He plans to retire to Aruba "to find Himself."

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Obama's Inauguration Speech (1st Draft)

11 Nov 2008 20:10:00 MST

(A giant Patton-esque American flag covers the entire stage with the name "OBAMA" superimposed in huge letters. The traditional "Hail To The Chief" segues into a more heroic orchestral theme, sounding not unlike the Superman movie theme. The music swells and at its crescendo, Barack Obama rips through the American flag to thunderous applause. Beautiful female handmaidens dressed in togas drop rose pedals in Obama's path as he steps toward the front of the stage where a podium has seemingly risen out of the earth. Fireworks launch from the ends of the stage as the flag backdrop falls away to reveal a massive Egyptian emperor's throne room. [Note to Production Designer: we'll need to dismantle the front of the U.S. Capitol to make room for this set.] Obama takes to the podium. He smiles and waves to the crowd as they cheer enthusiastically for 20 minutes...)

My fellow Americans and illegals, brothers and sisters, whites and blacks, gays and straights, metrosexuals and retrosexuals, tenors and baritones, Macs and PCs, the Mamas and the Papas -- I am deeply honored to be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America.

On this year, on this month, on this day, at this hour, and at this very moment, America has been set upon a path of change. Change so unstoppable that the moment of change just a moment ago is now outdated, and we've now moved on to a new moment of change. This change is real. This change is here. This change is now. This change is old again and we must change once more.

Some of you may be asking what exactly is this change I speak of? Allow me to answer that by rattling off vague statements as bullet points so as to create the illusion of specificity:

I will strengthen the economy.
I will achieve world peace.
I will end hunger and cure all diseases.
I will save the earth.

Now some of you may be asking how exactly will I accomplish these goals? "Can you be specific?" Yes, I can. The answer... is in the heart of every child who ever gazed upon the moon on a clear summer's eve. The answer is in the mind of every American who has dared to dream of hope and change in the face of logic and reason. The answer is in the soul of every single mother with two jobs and six children with scurvy, striving for a better future despite finding a lump in her breast just last Tuesday which could be benign but we won't really know yet until the tests come back from Dr. Rupert whose practice is in financial trouble and may have to sell to a 40 year old New Zealander who wants to open a Tolkein-themed chicken wings bar called "Lord of the Wings". That is the answer.

I'm no different than any of you. My story is your story. My dreams are your dreams. Your money is my money. And if we as Americans can come together and agree that, no matter what obstacles we face in the next four years, I am above any and all criticism, then nothing can stand in our way.

It's times like these when I'm being completely awesome that I'm reminded of the story of a 106 year old woman from Altoona. She's old enough to remember when this country was just a generation past slavery: 1986. She's old enough to remember a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky or Moviefone to provide local showtimes. She's old enough to remember a time when someone like her couldn't vote for three reasons: because she was a woman, because she was black, and because there was no ACORN. This is a woman who has seen it all and done it all and she knows first hand that America is capable of change. Unfortunately she's a Republican. But she's dead now so she won't be holding the rest of us back anymore.

Lastly I would just like to say that we as Americans needs to be humble again. For far too long we have allowed our arrogance to get the best of us. As President of the United States, I will bring humility back to the White House. Thank you, and may God bless the United States of America!

(Suddenly a cloud of smoke envelopes Obama. When the smoke clears, Obama is gone. Handel's "Messiah" plays as the crowd stands in awe and the police turn on the fire hoses.)

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2208 A.D. Looks Back On George W. Bush

2 Nov 2008 16:55:00 MST

"...everybody is trying to write the history of this administration even before it's over... But the true history of any administration is not going to be written until long after the person is gone."

- George W. Bush, 2006

Figure A: George W. Bush, circa 2007.

BUSH, George Walker, was the 43rd President of the United States (modern-day Americaland). Unfortunately historical accounts of President Bush are sketchy due to the nuclear war in 2013 that destroyed much of Western civilization and its records. However historians have managed to piece together remaining artifacts from the period to give us a clearer picture of this important man.

While some facts remain uncertain, historians unanimously agree that President Bush was a very, very popular leader. During his reign, Bush was seen, heard and talked about everywhere. For some, Bush was synonymous with other great leaders such as Adolf Hitler (whom modern historians know nothing about). His inspirational messages were published in a series of books affectionately titled Bushisms. Bush's fame was so great that he had motion pictures made about him -- one of the most popular forms of entertainment in the 21st century next to sitting and eating.

Figure B: Recovered photograph of Bush's glorious return from battle.

Historians believe Bush's popularity was due to his being a great war hero. A rare photograph (Figure B) shows Bush wearing a military uniform, apparently returning from fighting on the front lines of some great military operation. Historians place this photo at around 2003 during the war in Iraq (modern-day Americaland) which was determined to be an outstanding success... some 50 years later.

Perhaps Bush's greatest accomplishment was the creation of the Patriot Act, which has protected our society countless times from various threats on the basis of "national security". Without the precedent of the Patriot Act, future leaders would not have been able to use the strong arm of government to eliminate such threats as global warming, hate speech, overpopulation and Republicanism.

Although many questions remain unanswered, George W. Bush's legacy continues to be an inspiration to people all across the world (modern-day Americaland).

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Gay Marriage Opponents Now Want Legal Definition of Christmas

25 Oct 2008 14:20:00 MST

Opponents of gay marriage who believe marriage should only apply to heterosexuals now wish to restrict access to another sacred institution: Christmas.

"Much like traditional marriage, the traditions of Christmas have been under assault for many years now," says Brent Slabroller, leader of The Defense of Traditions Coalition. "In order to preserve those traditions, we're calling for a constitutional amendment that defines Christmas as only for Christians."

For years non-Christians have adopted the Christmas holiday as though it were their own. They decorate trees, exchange gifts, take paid time off from work -- but none of them pay any tribute to Jesus Christ. Some of them don't even go to church. Even more shockingly, some of them are gay.

"Let's be honest: these non-Christians don't give a hoot about the true meaning of Christmas," says Slabroller. "They just want to exploit it for the fringe benefits."

Slabroller denied the charge that his organization is motivated by bigotry rather than the betterment of society.

"We're not saying non-Christians can't have a celebration of their own," said Slabroller. "We're just saying don't call it Christmas. Call it 'Pagan Day'. Call it 'Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Celebrate-Christmas-But-Instead-I'm-A-Godless-Heathen' Day. Instead of singing carols, you can go door-to-door reading Charles Darwin to each other. Or the Qur'an or Harry Potter or whatever else non-Christians like to read. I wouldn't know."

In other related news: a gay rights group is calling for a legal definition of Broadway musicals in order to keep out heterosexuals. More on this as it develops.

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That's Not The Exorcist I Knew

19 Oct 2008 19:12:00 MST

It was a rainy night in October. Senator Barack Obama paced absently around the drawing room of his home, puffing on a cigarette. He looked uncharacteristically agitated -- as though someone had just asked him when life begins. His wife Michelle sat looking equally distraught in a nearby chair, rocking back and forth.

The doorbell broke the silence. Barack extinguished his cigarette, collected himself and opened the door.

It was Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

"Hello, Barry."

"Good evening, Reverend. Thank you for coming on short notice."

Wright entered the foyer. Michelle got up to greet him.

"Reverend," she mustered.

"Evening, Michelle." There was an uncomfortable pause. "So what seems to be the problem?"

A blood-curdling cry came from upstairs. It sounded half-human, half-animal. The cry faded away and Reverend Wright's curious gaze drifted back to the despairing couple.

"It's our daughter, Malia," said Michelle, fighting to keep her composure. "We think she... might be possessed."

"Possessed? You mean by--"

"Evil spirits, yes," said Barack. "We want you to perform an exorcism."

"Are you sure she's possessed? What's her behavior been like?"

"Oh, you know," said Michelle. "Apart from crawling around on the ceiling and vomiting profusely, she's also been using the most foul language I've ever heard from a nine year old. And I grew up in the South Side of Chicago."

"Her behavior is completely erratic," said Barack. "I haven't seen anything like it since John McCain."

"May I see her?" asked the Reverend.

They led Reverend Wright upstairs to Malia's bedroom. The Reverend cautiously opened the door and the three of them entered. Malia lay on her bed, dressed in a nightgown covered in vomit. Her complexion was a sickly greenish hue. Her hair looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks -- like Manny Ramirez after a shower. Her face and legs were covered with lacerations and bruises. She was breathing heavily, wheezing and groaning with each breath. It was not unlike standing in Courtney Love's hotel room.

"Hello, Malia," said the Reverend gently. "Your parents tell me you haven't been feeling yourself lately."

Malia's breathing suddenly stopped. She turned her head toward the Reverend and opened her eyes. They were glowing red.

"Fuck you, Wright!" she shouted. Her voice was unsettlingly coarse and masculine. "Shove it up your ass, you fucking hypocritical cocksucker!"

Reverend Wright turned to Barack and Michelle.

"Has Malia been watching Fox News?"

Barack shook his head. "We only let our daughters watch children's programming. Like Spongebob Squarepants or Keith Olbermann."

"But you see what we mean?" asked Michelle. "Why does our little girl say such horrible things?"

Wright looked pensive for a moment. "Very well. I'm a little rusty on exorcisms, but I'll see what I can do." He gently nudged the despondent couple out of the room and closed the door behind them.

In the hallway Barack held Michelle in his arms as the two of them waited... and prayed...

###

Four hours later, Reverend Jeremiah Wright emerged from the bedroom looking exhausted. His face was covered in perspiration and dried vomit. He lifted his head to speak.

"I did it," he said. "It wasn't easy, but... your daughter appears normal."

Barack and Michelle sprung to their feet. They entered the bedroom and saw Malia lying in bed tucked beneath her covers, breathing contently.

"Malia?" said Michelle meekly. "Sweetie, are you okay?"

Malia's eyes popped open. She sat straight up on the bed and looked at her mother.

"Naw, naw, naw!" she bellowed. "Not God BLESS America! God DAMN America!! That's in the Bible!!!"

Her head began to spin around, vomiting staggering amounts of black bile like some kind of demonic lawn sprinkler.

"We bombed Hiroshima! We bombed Nagasaki!" Malia continued. The bed shook violently and toys flew around the room by an unseen force. "America's chickens... are comin' home... to roost!!"

Barack and Michelle quickly exited the room and shut the door. With their faces dripping with liquid foulness, they turned to look at Reverend Wright.

"Well? What do you think?" asked the Reverend.

"I think," said Michelle. "That she's finally talking some sense!"

"Yes, thank you so much, Reverend," said Barack. "We can finally take her to cocktail parties without fear of embarrassment."

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Shiny Happy Socialism

12 Oct 2008 19:45:00 MST

As the American way of life continues to fall to socialism -- thanks to a massive economic bailout bill and the impending presidential election between Senator Big-Government and Senator Big-Government-With-Low-Taxes -- it's easy to lose sight of the fact that abolishing capitalism should be a pleasant experience.

In order to help Americans embrace socialism as the new world order, the United States Congress (at the request of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) would like you to read the following myths and facts about socialism. Hopefully this will clear up any concerns you may have as America goes forward with this exciting new form of government.

Myth:
Socialism requires giving up civil liberties.

Fact:
...Only the ones you're not going to need.

Let's face it: some freedoms aren't really necessary. Honestly, do you really need free speech? I mean, really? Many countries do not have free speech and they're getting along just fine. And when was the last time you actually used it? That time you called a traffic cop a douchebag under your breath so he couldn't hear you? I thought so.

The reality is that most people have nothing of interest to say anyway and therefore don't need protected speech. Only people who say things that threaten the status quo and potentially harm others need protection -- and why would you want to protect those who threaten you? It's just common sense.

Myth:
Socialism's concept of equality is that
"some are more equal than others."

Fact:
Under socialism, everyone is equally inferior.

Undoubtedly you've picked up that "more equal than others" phrase from George Orwell's Animal Farm, as well as some common misconceptions about socialism. Allow us to debunk Mr. Orwell's novel for you:

Animal Farm presents a straw man argument, as the government it depicts was doomed to fail since animals can't talk, much less coordinate complex government systems. Rest assured that your human representatives in Congress are extremely fluent at talking -- and we pledge that the number of farm animals holding public office will be kept to a minimum.
George Orwell considered himself a socialist, and his works were against totalitarianism, not socialism. The fact that Mr. Orwell could intellectually separate the two demonstrates a vital ingredient to being a socialist: denial. We in the U.S. Government strongly recommend its citizens engage in denial, as it makes for a smoother transition to socialism.

Myth:
Socialism simply doesn't work.

Fact:
Shut your fucking mouth.

The reason socialism has had a bumpy past is because of skeptics like you gumming up the works. Remember the cardinal rule of socialism: nobody likes a quitter. Just think of socialism as a strained marriage -- you just have to keep working at it until one of you is in the grave.

That's all for now. If you still have concerns, please send in your full name and address to the government -- we'll be happy to send over some people who will explain it to you. We're certain that once you switch to socialism, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it!


Nancy Pelosi	Harry Reid

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Live Blog Sex

28 Sep 2008 17:01:00 MST