Tag: blogging

Angry Blog Comments: A Literal Response

Angry commenter

Photo by Flavinsky Photography

One of the pitfalls of writing comedy, apart from attracting copious numbers of women whose hearts must be toyed with to keep them at bay, is that occasionally I’ll get readers who simply don’t understand irony.

A case in point: a piece I wrote entitled “Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option.” The basic premise was to satirize two political ideas (global warming and abortion) so that one “justified” the other, thereby highlighting the stupidity of both. And hilarity, a la “A Modest Proposal” ensued. Or so I thought.

Since then, the article has received several nasty comments from pro-life readers. I certainly don’t expect everyone to enjoy my humor, but these people took the article at face value and believed I was actually promoting the idea of offing one’s offspring to save the planet. Irony was lost on these people.

So it occurred to me: since these people do not recognize irony, it’s logical to assume that their comments were intended to be read without irony. Therefore, I’d like to present a sample of these comments, followed by my strict, literal interpretation of them. Because I’m sure they would have wanted it that way…

From “prolife”:

“this website is riduculous. it is absolutely horrible that you think abortions are ‘helping the planet’. You people are so crazy. that’s like me going and killing all the people i don’t like because it’s helping the planet…”

Wait a minute… you’re killing all the people that you don’t like?? Since you didn’t say “if I were to kill,” I can only conclude that you are, in fact, murdering people! For the love of God, sir, please, DON’T KILL AGAIN!!! How many have you killed? Never mind! I don’t want to know! To an experienced killer like yourself, abortion might seem like a horrible way of helping the planet, but your way is no better! Killing people you don’t like is wrong, despite your stated belief that “it’s helping the planet.”

“…i hope you die!! now!!! suck my balls asshole!”

Oh God! Now he’s coming after me! What’s worse, his statement suggests he wants me to give him oral pleasure AFTER I’m dead! Please, somebody stop this murderous necrophiliac! Before he kills and fucks again!

From “rowan”:

“this is sick. if your all so worried about the environment why not kill all the jews or blacks…”

So you recommend killing Jews and blacks? I wasn’t aware they were harmful to the environment. Then again, my view of environmentalism is limited. I’m only familiar with Walden, not Mein Kampf.

“…even better why not commit suicide…”

Well, that’s just silly. If you committed suicide, who would kill the Jews and blacks?

“or mabey just grow up a little bit and dont get yourself up the duff in the 1st place that would be the the mature and ‘green’ thing to do.”

I can assure you, sir, that I have never gotten myself up my own duff — a task that would require serious gymnastics. Unless, of course, you meant actress/singer Hilary Duff, in which case similar gymnastics would be required.

“..also think off the hosptital waste due to all the abortions”

I’m afraid I’m still thinking of Hilary Duff. Check back in five minutes.

From “former embryo”:

“…show me hard scientific evidence that an embryo isnt alive and i’ll laugh at your retarded out look on life…”

Although I don’t believe hard scientific evidence exists, I’m intrigued that you would laugh at such evidence if presented to you. Are you in the habit of laughing at science? If so, perhaps I should write up some good “science comedy” in the future. Please check back again for upcoming posts you’ll no doubt find hilarious, like “Gravity? I’m Not ‘Down’ with That!” and “Enough with the Cancer Research Already!”

“…better then that,i’ll fuck every guy behind this sick shit with out a condom and then abort the evidence…”

Request accepted. Anyone out there with scientific proof that an embryo isn’t alive, please send your findings to:

Gang Bang The Pro-Lifer
P.O. Box 5583
Scottsdale, AZ 85000

Please note that hypotheses are only worth a handjob, and theories are worth a tossed salad with an optional rusty trombone.

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Cat Blogger Says Twitter is Beneath Her

The Command Center of 'The Mittens Chronicles'

Photo by AlishaV

Lorem Ipsum, author of the cat blog “The Mittens Chronicles”, has announced that she will not be joining online juggernaut Twitter due to what she calls the social media site’s “creative limitations.”

“I know many bloggers use Twitter as a means of self-promotion, but I just refuse to be part of it,” wrote Ipsum in a recent blog post. “The future of publishing funny cat antics online is bright, and I just don’t see Twitter being a part of that business model.”

Ipsum, 38, who lives alone with 10 cats (all named Mittens), is part of a growing number of bloggers who have the courage to speak out unsolicitedly against things no one gives a shit about.

“[Twitter] is just so… insipid. It’s comprised solely of narcissistic idiots who think the world is fascinated by their mundane lives.”

So what are Ipsum’s plans for promoting “The Mittens Chronicles” in lieu of Twitter?

“I just hired an SEO expert for $3,500 per month to reinvent TMC. We’re also going to provide a toolbar for Firefox that pushes to our readers real-time updates… of Mittens. This site is going to be soooo Web 2.0!”

When asked what “Web 2.0” means exactly, Ipsum replied, “It means it’s gonna blow your fucking mind, plebeian!”

From The Mittens Chonicles: Live 24/7 web cam of Mittens' litter box

From The Mittens Chonicles: Live 24/7 web cam of Mittens’ litter box…

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If The Federalist Papers Had Been a Blog

The Federalist Papers were a series of essays written between 1787 and 1788 by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay. Published in various New York newspapers, these essays were intended to persuade voters to ratify the newly conceived Constitution, as well as promote the merits of this new form of government.

The following is how these essays might have been presented had the internet existed in the 1700s…

The Federalist
May 28, 1788
Should There Be a Bill of Rights?
Posted by AHamiltonRocks537 at 8:05 AM

Hi, all! I just got back from Weehawken, New Jersey (what a dump!) where I challenged a scoundrel named Harrison to a duel over a disagreement on economics. The outcome? Harrison was about as good a shot as he was an economist. I am the duel master! Honestly, I don’t see how I could ever lose at these things.

Anyhoo, I wanted to post the latest development regarding the new Constitution. Although it is a vast improvement over the Articles of Confederation, there are still some delegates who incessantly want to keep tinkering with it. I won’t name any names, but this person (whose name rhymes with “Mames Jadison”) has suggested that the Constitution should include a so-called “bill of rights” that would limit the government’s control over its citizens. This bill would include such rights as a free press, gun ownership, and due process, among others.

Personally I think this is overkill, and another example of Maddy trying to one-up everyone. I also believe that the inclusion of such a bill would be dangerous, as it would imply that any right NOT mentioned is now fair game for government control.

What do you think? Feel free to post your comments below. Also I’ll soon be posting a video of my duel in Jersey just as soon as I can get my OS to stop crashing. (I know, I should have stayed with Colonial Edition.)

-AH

Comments:

Publius @ 05/28/88 08:15:46 AM
What if we included a provision for unenumerated rights? Something like “Certain rights not expressly written in the Constitution shall still be retained by the people”? Wouldn’t that help prevent the government from usurping unwritten rights?
Death2Tories @ 05/28/88 08:17:33 AM

Publius said:

What if we included a provision for unenumerated rights? Something like “Certain rights not expressly written in the Constitution shall still be retained by the people”? Wouldn’t that help prevent the government from usurping unwritten rights?

 

lol yeah, that would totally solve everything. 8-|

Go back to Britain, n00b.

PhilSexy @ 05/28/88 08:26:07 AM

Great post, AHamiltonRocks537! By the way if you’re planning of having another duel soon you should check out my website:

http://www.guns4patriots.com

Rebelicious @ 05/28/88 08:32:16 AM
I’ve got an unenumerated right: to kick your ass!
Patriot123 @ 05/28/88 08:38:32 AM

Rebelicious said:

I’ve got an unenumerated right: to kick your ass!

 
lol

TheWhigster @ 05/28/88 08:40:44 AM

I think it would be quite simple to write a Bill of Rights that everyone can agree to. In fact I’ve written up a list of what I believe to be basic human rights. I came up with 2,522,687 of them. Of course, I’ve divided this number into sections: men get all the rights, women get 1,296, and the coloreds get 3. It’s all perfectly clear. I don’t see the problem.

PhilSexy @ 05/28/88 08:43:04 AM

Great post, Whigster! By the way if you’re planning on writing more lists you should check out my website:

http://www.stationary4patriots.com

Death2Tories @ 05/28/88 08:45:18 AM

Rebelicious said:

I’ve got an unenumerated right: to kick your ass!

 
Troll.

Publius @ 05/28/88 08:51:13 AM

What is wrong with you people? Don’t you all understand what is at stake here?

We just fought a war for our independence and now we have been presented with a unique opportunity to include a Bill of Rights in our Constitution that will preserve the things we hold dear. Like the freedom of speech, which allows us to post our views on this blog in the first place! And all you can think of is to post stupid comments and promote your shyster websites??

Don’t any of you have anything intelligent to say? Aren’t you concerned about the future of this country? Don’t you even CARE about preserving your basic human freedoms??

Just remember: freedom doesn’t come free.

Rebelicious @ 05/28/88 08:59:21 AM
Ur mom doesn’t come free.
Patriot123 @ 05/28/88 09:04:19 AM

Rebelicious said:

Ur mom doesn’t come free.

 
FTW!

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