Hi! Billy Mays here! Are you tired of Muslim extremists threatening your freedom? Do you wish there was an easy way of extracting information from these fanatics about their next terrorist attack? Well, now there is! It’s an exciting new interrogation method called waterboarding!
Here’s how it works: you take your average Abu Nutjob, you lay him down on the patented Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard over a tank of water. You lift the board so that his head is submerged. See that? He thinks he’s drowning! Then you just raise the board, and boom! He’s singing like a bird! It’s that easy!
But wait, there’s more! If you act now, you can save this hospital in downtown Baghdad from getting blown up! That’s right! An entire hospital! Just think of the savings!
No more pulling out fingernails with rusty pliers! No more cattle prods! No more Geneva Convention! Hey, these are nationless terrorists! The rules don’t apply! With waterboarding, it’s just “dunk-and-confess”! It’s so easy, a child can do it!
(A child is shown waterboarding a terrorist. Child: “Dunk and confess!”)
With waterboarding, there’s no piece of vital information you can’t coerce! Subway bombings! Anthrax scares! Nuclear weapons shipments! Childhood traumas! And when you’re done, the Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard can be folded up for easy storage!
So what are you waiting for? Freedom isn’t free! But this complimentary spatula set with every purchase of the Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard is free! So order now!