(A giant Patton-esque American flag covers the entire stage with the name “OBAMA” superimposed in huge letters. The traditional “Hail To The Chief” segues into a more heroic orchestral theme, sounding not unlike the Superman movie theme. The music swells and at its crescendo, Barack Obama rips through the American flag to thunderous applause. Beautiful female handmaidens dressed in togas drop rose petals in Obama’s path as he steps toward the front of the stage where a podium has seemingly risen out of the earth. Fireworks launch from the ends of the stage as the flag backdrop falls away to reveal a massive Egyptian emperor’s throne room. [Note to Production Designer: we’ll need to dismantle the front of the U.S. Capitol to make room for this set.] Obama takes to the podium. He smiles and waves to the crowd as they cheer enthusiastically for 20 minutes…)
My fellow Americans and illegals, brothers and sisters, whites and blacks, gays and straights, metrosexuals and retrosexuals, tenors and baritones, Macs and PCs, the Mamas and the Papas — I am deeply honored to be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America.
On this year, on this month, on this day, at this hour, and at this very moment, America has been set upon a path of change. Change so unstoppable that the moment of change just a moment ago is now outdated, and we’ve now moved on to a new moment of change. This change is real. This change is here. This change is now. This change is old again and we must change once more.
Some of you may be asking what exactly is this change I speak of? Allow me to answer that by rattling off vague statements as bullet points so as to create the illusion of specificity:
- I will strengthen the economy.
- I will achieve world peace.
- I will end hunger and cure all diseases.
- I will save the earth.
Now some of you may be asking how exactly will I accomplish these goals? “Can you be specific?” Yes, I can. The answer… is in the heart of every child who ever gazed upon the moon on a clear summer’s eve. The answer is in the mind of every American who has dared to dream of hope and change in the face of logic and reason. The answer is in the soul of every single mother with two jobs and six children with scurvy, striving for a better future despite finding a lump in her breast just last Tuesday which could be benign but we won’t really know yet until the tests come back from Dr. Rupert whose practice is in financial trouble and may have to sell to a 40 year old New Zealander who wants to open a Tolkein-themed chicken wings bar called “Lord of the Wings”. That is the answer.
I’m no different than any of you. My story is your story. My dreams are your dreams. Your money is my money. And if we as Americans can come together and agree that, no matter what obstacles we face in the next four years, I am above any and all criticism, then nothing can stand in our way.
It’s times like these when I’m being completely awesome that I’m reminded of the story of a 106 year old woman from Altoona. She’s old enough to remember when this country was just a generation past slavery: 1986. She’s old enough to remember a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky or Moviefone to provide local showtimes. She’s old enough to remember a time when someone like her couldn’t vote for three reasons: because she was a woman, because she was black, and because there was no ACORN. This is a woman who has seen it all and done it all and she knows first hand that America is capable of change. Unfortunately she’s a Republican. But she’s dead now so she won’t be holding the rest of us back anymore.
Lastly I would just like to say that we as Americans need to be humble again. For far too long we have allowed our arrogance to get the best of us. As President of the United States, I will bring humility back to the White House. Thank you, and may God bless the United States of America!
(Suddenly a cloud of smoke envelopes Obama. When the smoke clears, Obama is gone. Handel’s “Messiah” plays as the crowd stands in awe and the police turn on the fire hoses.)