Tag: election

Obama’s Inauguration Speech (1st Draft)

President-Elect Barack Obama(A giant Patton-esque American flag covers the entire stage with the name “OBAMA” superimposed in huge letters. The traditional “Hail To The Chief” segues into a more heroic orchestral theme, sounding not unlike the Superman movie theme. The music swells and at its crescendo, Barack Obama rips through the American flag to thunderous applause. Beautiful female handmaidens dressed in togas drop rose petals in Obama’s path as he steps toward the front of the stage where a podium has seemingly risen out of the earth. Fireworks launch from the ends of the stage as the flag backdrop falls away to reveal a massive Egyptian emperor’s throne room. [Note to Production Designer: we’ll need to dismantle the front of the U.S. Capitol to make room for this set.] Obama takes to the podium. He smiles and waves to the crowd as they cheer enthusiastically for 20 minutes…)

My fellow Americans and illegals, brothers and sisters, whites and blacks, gays and straights, metrosexuals and retrosexuals, tenors and baritones, Macs and PCs, the Mamas and the Papas — I am deeply honored to be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America.

On this year, on this month, on this day, at this hour, and at this very moment, America has been set upon a path of change. Change so unstoppable that the moment of change just a moment ago is now outdated, and we’ve now moved on to a new moment of change. This change is real. This change is here. This change is now. This change is old again and we must change once more.

Some of you may be asking what exactly is this change I speak of? Allow me to answer that by rattling off vague statements as bullet points so as to create the illusion of specificity:

  1. I will strengthen the economy.
  2. I will achieve world peace.
  3. I will end hunger and cure all diseases.
  4. I will save the earth.

Now some of you may be asking how exactly will I accomplish these goals? “Can you be specific?” Yes, I can. The answer… is in the heart of every child who ever gazed upon the moon on a clear summer’s eve. The answer is in the mind of every American who has dared to dream of hope and change in the face of logic and reason. The answer is in the soul of every single mother with two jobs and six children with scurvy, striving for a better future despite finding a lump in her breast just last Tuesday which could be benign but we won’t really know yet until the tests come back from Dr. Rupert whose practice is in financial trouble and may have to sell to a 40 year old New Zealander who wants to open a Tolkein-themed chicken wings bar called “Lord of the Wings”. That is the answer.

I’m no different than any of you. My story is your story. My dreams are your dreams. Your money is my money. And if we as Americans can come together and agree that, no matter what obstacles we face in the next four years, I am above any and all criticism, then nothing can stand in our way.

It’s times like these when I’m being completely awesome that I’m reminded of the story of a 106 year old woman from Altoona. She’s old enough to remember when this country was just a generation past slavery: 1986. She’s old enough to remember a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky or Moviefone to provide local showtimes. She’s old enough to remember a time when someone like her couldn’t vote for three reasons: because she was a woman, because she was black, and because there was no ACORN. This is a woman who has seen it all and done it all and she knows first hand that America is capable of change. Unfortunately she’s a Republican. But she’s dead now so she won’t be holding the rest of us back anymore.

Lastly I would just like to say that we as Americans need to be humble again. For far too long we have allowed our arrogance to get the best of us. As President of the United States, I will bring humility back to the White House. Thank you, and may God bless the United States of America!

(Suddenly a cloud of smoke envelopes Obama. When the smoke clears, Obama is gone. Handel’s “Messiah” plays as the crowd stands in awe and the police turn on the fire hoses.)

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My Upcoming Autobiography / Smear Book

A Born Leader: How Ryan Garns Will Rape AmericaIt has become common practice for political candidates to publish glowing autobiographies during their campaigns. It is also common practice for these books to be followed by unauthorized “smear” biographies written by the candidate’s detractors. Therefore, as a presidential candidate who believes in unification, I’ve decided to co-author my life’s story with a professional smear writer. This way you’ll get my written account in one paragraph followed by the smear in the next. After all, if I’m going to get vilified, I might as well share in the book sales.

So without further ado, here are some excerpts from my soon-to-be-published book, A Born Leader: How Ryan Garns Will Rape America.


I was born in the heartland of America: a small town called Patriot, Iowa. Don’t bother looking for it on a map; it’s only an Applebee’s now. My parents named me Ryan after their favorite president, Abraham Lincoln. From the moment I was born I was clearly destined for greatness. At 10 months old I looked at a picture of George McGovern and spoke my first word, “Loser.” From then on I dedicated my life to public service.

He was born Ryan Hussein Stalin Hitler Garns. Sources suggest that he was born inside a taxi cab in downtown Havana, which would make him ineligible for the presidency. It is also said that the man who delivered the baby was Communist revolutionary Che Guevara. Ryan cried incessantly until someone wrapped him in the Cuban flag — the only thing that would calm him.

I was raised in a predominantly Christian community. It was here that my core values took shape, which, as luck would have it, are the same exact values that mainstream middle American voters have. I know that in this secular age it’s unfashionable to publicly state your spiritual beliefs, but gosh darn it, I’m giddy about God and I don’t care who knows it.

Garns’ upbringing was far from religious. In fact, he has only attended church twice in his life, and during the sermons would reportedly giggle at phrases like “missionary work”. On several occasions Garns has even argued against the existence of God, often using Adam Carolla as evidence.

My scholastic career was impressive. I excelled in all disciplines: math, science, history, lamaze. It was in high school that I first revealed my aptitude for leadership. I was unanimously elected President of the Student Body and, soon afterward, led the invasion of a neighboring school. So impressed were my instructors that they retired my locker number.

Garns’ grade point average never exceeded 2.5 as he spent much of his education doing “whippets” instead of studying. The only school election Garns ever won was for being voted “Most Likely To Appear On ‘Cops'”. And according to his high school girlfriend, who preferred to remain anonymous (as she did when they were dating), Garns doesn’t clip his toenails. Can we trust this man as Commander-in-Chief?

To read the rest of this opus, be sure to pick up a copy when it arrives at bookstores everywhere next month! Or pick up the audio version as read by Tori Spelling.

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Barack Obama’s Next Historic, Orgasmic, Piss-In-Your-Pants Speech

By Barack Obama (as told to Ryan Garns)

Barack ObamaMy fellow Earthlings, I speak to you today not as a presidential candidate, but as a citizen of the world who also happens to be running for President.

I know I don’t look like other Americans who have run for President. Although I do have Lyndon Johnson’s ears. And John F. Kennedy’s teeth. Some say I have William Taft’s nose. I’m black, that’s the point I’m making.

My mother was born in war-torn Wichita, Kansas where she was forced into a life of bitterness because of her personality. My father, a Kenyan, was born with a wooden leg. To earn his keep, he herded diabetic goats in six feet of snow with nothing but a pair of salad spoons. I, myself, was born in a manger with bad plumbing during the tumultuous Philadelphia Phillies losing streak of 1961. So, you see, I know all too well about hardship.

I know all too well that making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. I know all too well that taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. And I know all too well that sometimes, yes, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. But when I look across the landscape of America, provided I can find a good view, I can see fresh hope of a better future. A future without anger or resentment or disagreement or individualism.

I know my country has not perfected itself. We have yet to find a cure for sadness. Our citizens are forced to spend their hard earned money on things like food and clothing. Men still find it hard to say those three little words. And despite access to hundreds of channels, there’s still nothing good on TV.

But I also know that when the world stands together as one, no one can oppose us. By definition, no one will be left. Should someone choose not to stand together with us, we must stand firm and say, “No, that won’t work. May we stand with you instead?” After we stand with them, we shall say, “Ha! Fooled you! You’re really standing with us again.” That’s the kind of nuanced, geopolitical thinking the Free World needs to adopt to meet the challenges of the future.

I truly believe we can overcome our hardships. We have seen it time and again in a series of random historical events I shall now rattle off for cheap applause. We have seen it in South Africa where people defeated apartheid. We have seen it at Valley Forge where Washington led his troops and defeated the British. We have seen it in the frozen tundra where Green Bay defeated Dallas with 13 seconds remaining in regulation. Yes, humanity can overcome if we stand as one.

From Kiev to Cape Town, from Jerusalem to Sheboygan, from Michigan to Nevada with a stopover in Denver, From Russia with Love, From Here To Eternity, we shall stand as one.

We shall come together as young and old, whites and blacks, Christians and Muslims, Yankees and Red Sox, Microsoft and Apple, Proctor and Gamble, Tango and Cash — we shall stand as one!

Thank you, Iran. You’ve been wonderful.

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