“The debate is over,” proclaims Jonathan Shaft, lead scientist at the California Head and Genital Institute in Duluth, Minnesota. “The science is in. Al Gore is what we in the scientific community call a dickhead.”
While at first this may seem like politics posturing as science — a charge often lobbed at Al Gore’s own global warming proclamations — researchers state that the dickhead diagnosis is indeed the result of scientific research and quantitative study.
“Look, we’re scientists. When we say Al Gore is a dickhead, we’re not just being colorful,” says Shaft. “We mean there is conclusive, scientific evidence that Al Gore literally has a dick for a head.”
Pam Johnson, an assistant researcher at the institute, concurs: “We’ve studied the shape of [Gore's] cranium. There’s no doubt about it; it is becoming more and more shlong-like in appearance.”
“It’s uncanny,” says Shaft. “When I look at the outline of Gore’s head as compared to the outline of a tallywacker, I’m reminded of the scene from An Inconvenient Truth where Gore compares the line graphs of earth temperatures and CO2 levels. To paraphrase Gore, it’s like they fit together!”
“We’ve also studied his eyes,” continues Johnson. “We’ve noticed that over the years, Gore’s eyes have moved closer together on his face. As this trend continues, our projections show that Gore’s face will soon adopt a ‘one-eyed’ appearance. This one-eyed face — coupled with his receding hairline, thickening neck, the appearance of veins (especially when he’s angry) — contributes to Gore being, scientifically speaking, a dickhead.”
And what does Al Gore think of these findings?
“We’ve been unsuccessful at contacting him,” says Johnson. “But given Mr. Gore’s appreciation for the infallibility of science, I’m sure he would be compelled to agree with our conclusions. It’s not in his best interests to appear as a ‘denier’ or ‘flat-earther’.”
So what can be done?
“Until a cure is found, I would recommend Mr. Gore take care in not calling attention to his condition. For one thing, he should avoid wearing turtlenecks.”
“The implications of his condition are baffling,” concludes Shaft. “However this would help to explain why, when Gore gets red in the face, what comes out of his head resembles something that only his devoted admirers would swallow.”