Tag: global warming

Al Gore is a Dickhead, Says Science

Al Gore“The debate is over,” proclaims Jonathan Shaft, lead scientist at the California Head and Genital Institute in Duluth, Minnesota. “The science is in. Al Gore is what we in the scientific community call a dickhead.”

While at first this may seem like politics posturing as science — a charge often lobbed at Al Gore’s own global warming proclamations — researchers state that the dickhead diagnosis is indeed the result of scientific research and quantitative study.

“Look, we’re scientists. When we say Al Gore is a dickhead, we’re not just being colorful,” says Shaft. “We mean there is conclusive, scientific evidence that Al Gore literally has a dick for a head.”

Pam Johnson, an assistant researcher at the institute, concurs: “We’ve studied the shape of [Gore's] cranium. There’s no doubt about it; it is becoming more and more shlong-like in appearance.”

Al Gore's Cranium as Compared to the Shape of a Penis

“It’s uncanny,” says Shaft. “When I look at the outline of Gore’s head as compared to the outline of a tallywacker, I’m reminded of the scene from An Inconvenient Truth where Gore compares the line graphs of earth temperatures and CO2 levels. To paraphrase Gore, it’s like they fit together!”

“We’ve also studied his eyes,” continues Johnson. “We’ve noticed that over the years, Gore’s eyes have moved closer together on his face. As this trend continues, our projections show that Gore’s face will soon adopt a ‘one-eyed’ appearance. This one-eyed face — coupled with his receding hairline, thickening neck, the appearance of veins (especially when he’s angry) — contributes to Gore being, scientifically speaking, a dickhead.”

And what does Al Gore think of these findings?

“We’ve been unsuccessful at contacting him,” says Johnson. “But given Mr. Gore’s appreciation for the infallibility of science, I’m sure he would be compelled to agree with our conclusions. It’s not in his best interests to appear as a ‘denier’ or ‘flat-earther’.”

So what can be done?

“Until a cure is found, I would recommend Mr. Gore take care in not calling attention to his condition. For one thing, he should avoid wearing turtlenecks.”

“The implications of his condition are baffling,” concludes Shaft. “However this would help to explain why, when Gore gets red in the face, what comes out of his head resembles something that only his devoted admirers would swallow.”

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Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option

Abortion T-shirt: 'Save The Earth, Abort a Child'

Abortion is all the rage as more and more people show their love of Mother Nature over motherhood.

A recent study claims there has been a dramatic rise in the number of abortions nationwide. Although jumps in the abortion rate usually coincide with the release of Ben Affleck movies, this time it appears to be tied to public anxiety about global warming. The study says people are concerned about reports that overpopulation, obesity, and other human behavior are adversely affecting climate change. As a result, more and more people are seeing abortion as the best, most direct way to save the planet.

“I was, like, skeptical at first about getting an abortion,” says Sara, a 22 year old artistic dancer from Las Vegas. “I thought, like, ‘Would I regret it later? Maybe I shouldn’t.’ But then my friend Gina — who is, like, so smart because she gets angry at everything — she’s all, ‘dadadada,’ and she told me, like, how much I would be poisoning the planet by having a baby. And I was all, ‘Screw you, Big Oil. I’m getting an abortion!’”

“Sara’s bitchy friend Gina makes a valid point,” says Steven Carlson, a climatologist and contributor to Oppressive Statistics Monthly. “When you calculate the total amount of greenhouse gases that a human being produces during a lifetime of electricity use, gas consumption, waste, exercise, belching, farting, defecating, breathing, dying and decomposing, and the likelihood they’ll produce more human beings who belch, fart, breathe, etc., it’s clear that an abortion can have a far more positive impact on the environment than even Leonardo DiCaprio.”

As going green becomes more popular, the possibility of stricter legislation to control greenhouse emissions also has some would-be mothers considering abortion. As Mary from Indiana puts it, “I’m pregnant with triplets. I’d hate to think what I’d have to pay in carbon credits.”

Meanwhile abortion clinics are taking advantage of this trend with special offers and promotions to allure eco-minded customers. One clinic in San Francisco offers women a membership card to track return visits — for every 10 abortions, they plant a tree. Another clinic in Seattle even changed its name to something more appealing to the green crowd: An Inconvenient Pregnancy.

Despite these trends, skeptics continue to question whether or not mankind is responsible for global warming in the first place. But many climatologists and abortion doctors agree: Yes, they are. Now shut up.

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