Tag: government

Hire Me to Revamp the Stimulus Website!

Here’s an ABC News video that recently caught my attention. Their main focus was how the government is wasting taxpayers’ money on road signs promoting stimulus projects — up to $3,000 per sign. But the thing that really piqued my interest comes at the very end where Jonathan Karl says the government is spending $18 million to revamp the stimulus website, Recovery.gov.

That’s right. $18 million.

For a website.

Like the thing you’re looking at right now.

I build websites for a living. I know how much they cost. And I can honestly say that $18 million is waaay too high for a website rebuild.

I can do it for $15 million.

That’s right, $15 million. For politicans like Nancy Pelosi who aren’t good at math, that’s $3 million in savings! Just think of what you could do with an extra $3 million, Nancy. You could use Air Force One as your personal commuter plane 50 times! Or you could buy some eyelids! The choices are endless!

My offer is in earnest, Uncle Sam. Let me rebuild the stimulus website for you. Please look over the following estimate I’ve prepared. I think you’ll find it reasonable and cost-effective…

Item Cost
Domain renewal (per year) $11.00
Hosting (Dedicated Server) (per month) $350.00
Standard web development provisions (Red Bull, Mountain Dew, fully-stocked wet bar, cocaine, mescaline, lobster, prime rib, and Funyuns) $150,000.00
Purchase PerezHilton.com as a redirect to Recovery.gov. (This will increase traffic enormously!) $2,800,000.00
Plastic protector for laptop to prevent water damage while coding in a 5-person Jacuzzi $30.00
5-person Jacuzzi (to validate the cost of the plastic protector) $13,000.00
5-bedroom Malibu home (to validate the cost of 5-person Jacuzzi and plastic protector) $7,000,000.00
Porn star Tera Patrick to provide me with hourly “massages” to stave off carpal tunnel syndrome $5,000,000.00
A “Project Funded by The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” road sign to place outside my Malibu home while I get handjobs from Tera Patrick in a Jacuzzi and work on the website $3,000.00

There you have it: a lean-and-mean estimate for $15 million. I think it’s obvious those web developers who quoted you $18 million were just trying to rip you off. And given President Obama’s pledge of “responsible” stimulus spending, I think a $15 million price tag will sit better with the American people than $18 million.

I eagerly await your response.

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California Seeks More Celebrity Deaths To Boost Economy

California State Capitol

Photo by Joe Shlabotnik

The state of California, crippled with a $25 billion deficit, 11.5% unemployment, and a devastating Simon Cowell contract negotiation, is in desperate need of an economic turnaround. But thanks to the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and other famous icons, the Golden State may have found its golden goose.

Jackson’s public memorial service in Los Angeles this Tuesday could potentially attract up to 100,000 people from all over the world. This means huge dollars being pumped into the local economy via hotels, restaurants, gift stores, tattoo parlors, bobblehead shops, etc. In other words, it’s an economic godsend. And for a state with a high number of celebrity residents on their last legs, it’s a godsend that state officials believe could be repeated.

That is why the California legislature, in hopes of instigating similar revenue opportunities, has proposed the new “Celebrity Death Stimulus” bill. This bill includes the following provisions:

  • Movie and television actors are now required by law to perform their own stunts.
  • A repeal of all laws pertaining to celebrity stalkers and restraining orders.
  • Celebrities enrolled at the Betty Ford Center will be immediately discharged with a complimentary Jack Daniels & Heroin Kit gift basket.
  • Cosmetic surgery for any celebrity must be performed within a roving “botox van” operated by professionals under a guest worker program.

To quell the concerns of fearful celebrities, the bill also includes an “Aggrandizement Clause”. This clause states that any celebrity who dies from this bill is guaranteed a posthumous award (Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, et al) and a three-part special on E! declaring them a “genius” — no matter how untalented or morally despicable the celebrity. The clause was added after intense negotiations between the state legislature and talent agents from William Morris, ICM and CAA.

Meanwhile, local public reaction to the proposed bill has been mixed, ranging from “This is celebrity genocide!” to “Maybe this will help our economy,” to “Can we start with Schwarzenegger?”

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Perez Hilton to Vet Supreme Court Pick

Perez HiltonPresident Obama is under pressure from gay activist groups to select a homosexual to replace the retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. While as of this writing it’s uncertain if Obama will heed this request, one decision has already been made: to invite understatedly gay blogger Perez Hilton on the Senate Judiciary Committee to help vet the new pick for “acceptable gayness”.

“Homosexuality is a mystery to most of us in the Senate,” says Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Unlike those flamers in the House of Representatives, most of us in the Senate lack a sufficient ‘gaydar’. Perez Hilton will be a welcome addition to the committee.”

Perez Hilton recently thrust himself into the orifice of media attention during the Miss USA 2009 pageant where, as a judge, he asked Miss California Carrie Prejean for her views on gay marriage. Since that time, Hilton has accomplished what many considered to be impossible: toppling Richard Simmons as the leading embarrassment for homosexuals everywhere.

President Obama has stated that “empathy” is an important virtue for a new Supreme Court Justice, and here Reid says Hilton is also ideally suited. “Everyone knows that homosexuals are more capable of empathy than the rest of us, with their roller coaster emotions and casual use of the word ‘girlfriend’,” says Reid. Click the video below for an example of Hilton’s remarkable sense of empathy:

“Clearly, if Hilton can understand the problems of a pop singer with two children in such an emotional way, he can understand the problems of average American citizens,” says Reid.

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