Tag: history

Hitler’s Secret Weapon

AdolfHitler has signed on.

DrSteinitz has signed on.

 

DrSteinitz: Mein Führer?

DrSteinitz: Mein Führer, are you there?

DrSteinitz: Type into sie keypad, bitte.

AdolfHitler: Hallo.

DrSteinitz: Ah! It works! Guten Tag, Mein Führer.

AdolfHitler: Was is das?

DrSteinitz: You wanted to know what we have been working on in our research laboratory. This is a demonstration of our latest development.

AdolfHitler: Can you read what I am typing?

DrSteinitz: Ja! We are having a conversation now. This is our secret weapon to win sie war, Mein Führer.

DrSteinitz: YOUR secret weapon.

AdolfHitler: Interesting.

DrSteinitz: It allows us to send messages instantly to each other over a communication network.

AdolfHitler: Communication network? You mean like a series of tubes?

DrSteinitz: Yes. If you wish.

DrSteinitz: What do you think?

AdolfHitler: Nein, we already have Morse code.

DrSteinitz: Ja, but this is much faster.

DrSteinitz: Und can Morse code do this? :)

AdolfHitler: How did you do that?

DrSteinitz: You like that? Das ist a little smiley face. We even made it look like der Führer mit der little mustache, ja?

AdolfHitler: Ja, das ist gut.

DrSteinitz: One of our engineers thought of it when he discovered that when you type in a colon and a right parenthesis it looks like a little smiley face lying on its side.

DrSteinitz: He is one of our brightest engineers.

AdolfHitler: It looks just like me. Except for the smiling.

DrSteinitz: We can remove the smile if you wish, Mein Führer.

AdolfHitler: How will this win sie war for Deutschland?

DrSteinitz: This new weapon allows our military to communicate more quickly on sie field, ja? Enemy coordinates, attack orders… all can be sent instantly.

DrSteinitz: This technology ist decades ahead of our enemies, Mein Führer.

Heydrich has signed on.

Heydrich: Hallo.

DrSteinitz: Ah, hallo! Reinhard Heydrich has joined us to demonstrate the integrated conference feature!

AdolfHitler: Hallo, Reinhard. Can you see what I am typing?

Heydrich: Ja, Mein Führer.

AdolfHitler: :)

DrSteinitz: Das ist gut, Mein Führer!

Heydrich: Mein Führer, I bring you news. Our spies indicate that the Americans are working on a bomb based on nuclear fission. If successful, it will be capable of destroying entire cities.

AdolfHitler: Do we have anything like that in sie works, Steinitz?

AdolfHitler: Steinitz?

AdolfHitler: Steinitz, are you there?

DrSteinitz: Hold on, bitte.

DrSteinitz: Ja. I’m afraid we have no such bomb in sie works, Mein Führer. We have been busy beta testing new smiley faces.

AdolfHitler: Schweinhund! You will be dead by nightfall.

DrSteinitz: haha

DrSteinitz: It’s hard to tell when you’re joking over this machine.

DrSteinitz: When we joke in the lab, we use “/sarc” to signify a joke.

DrSteinitz: Mein Führer, are you there?

AdolfHitler has signed out.

DrSteinitz: Heydrich, ist der Führer mad?

Heydrich has signed out.

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Obituaries… From the Future!

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton
Dead at age 80
Hillary Clinton

Former First Lady, U.S. Senator, and tenacious presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton died last Tuesday. She is survived by her daughter, Chelsea Clinton-Timberlake. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, mysteriously disappeared after Mrs. Clinton’s failed presidential run in 2008.

Determined to be the first woman president in U.S. history, Mrs. Clinton ran for election in 2008, 2012, 2016, 2020 and 2024 — losing every time. In a recent Redbook interview, Mrs. Clinton intimated that “losing the nomination in 2020 to my daughter Chelsea hurt the most. I thought I had her when I revealed during the debates that she wet the bed until she was 15.”

The cause of death was a cocktail weenie that got lodged in Mrs. Clinton’s throat at a fundraiser for her 2028 presidential bid. In spite of the coroner’s report, Clinton campaign manager James Carville says that Mrs. Clinton is still alive. “Hillary is not dead and she’s not out of this race,” stated Carville’s cryogenically-preserved head. “We have the math to prove it.”

Funeral services will be held outside the White House this Saturday. In accordance with her wishes, Mrs. Clinton’s body will be shot out of a cannon aimed at the window of the Oval Office.


Osama bin Muhammad bin ‘Awad bin Laden
Dead at age 76
Osama bin Laden

Terrorist and Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden passed away in his California home last Thursday due to natural causes. He is most famous for planning the 9/11 attacks on America in 2001 which killed nearly 3,000 people. He is survived by his Shih Tzu, Mr. Tinkles.

After 9/11 America sought to capture bin Laden but to no avail. In 2009 President Barack Obama reduced efforts to fight terrorism and bin Laden was more or less ignored. Over the next few years bin Laden orchestrated attacks that claimed over 10,000 more lives. Secretary of the Environment Al Gore attributed the deaths to global warming.

“I can’t get arrested in this town… literally,” said bin Laden on Meet The Press with Carson Daly back in 2015. The U.S. government continued to be incapable of capturing the notorious terrorist — even during the two seasons of his short-lived FOX sitcom, Jumpin’ Jihad! Government officials said defensively, “how could anyone find him in that lousy time slot?”

In 2018 Osama bin Laden became a professor of history at the University of California at Berkeley. “I’ve finally found a way to do real damage to the Great Satan, America,” said bin Laden of his new job. “And I’m learning a lot from the other professors.”

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Michael Moore Takes On WWII

Michael Moore

Michael Moore (pictured left, center and right) delights the crowd with his rendition of “Witchcraft” at a Karaoke For Peace rally.

Controversial filmmaker and blue collar multi-millionaire Michael Moore is currently working on a new documentary. This time, Moore turns his camera on America’s involvement in World War II and whether the Greatest Generation was really that great.

“I’ve always been bothered by mainstream Hollywood’s view of World War II,” says Moore between bites of his deep-fried peanut butter & pork log. “Their films are all very one-sided. It’s as though the Axis countries were the only bad guys.”

Moore hopes that his films will redefine patriotism. After his new film, patriotism will now also apply to lying, socialist junk historians.

The following is an excerpt from the screenplay in progress, provided to us by Moore’s personal groomer:

BLACK SCREEN

Sounds of fighter planes flying overhead, dropping bombs, 
explosions, and screaming women and children are heard.

		     MOORE (V.O.)
	 The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor 
	 on December 7, 1941. Some 2,403 
	 Americans were killed and 1,178 were 
	 wounded, all because of an economic 
	 blockade that America had imposed on 
	 Japan. Once again, America had chosen 
	 not to come to the negotiating table. 
	 Instead it showed its arrogance by 
	 believing its interests were more 
	 important than those of other nations.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - DAY

President Roosevelt is shown sitting behind his desk.

		     MOORE (V.O.)
	 When President Franklin Roosevelt 
	 was first told of the attack, aides 
	 close to him said that Roosevelt did 
	 not get out of his chair. He just 
	 sat there. And sat. And sat. One 
	 White House aide was quoted as saying, 
	 "It must have been hours before he 
	 got up from his chair."

Continuing several pages later…

EXT. PARIS - MONTAGE

A series of peaceful Parisian images flash before the screen. 
The citizens are all going about their lives, oblivious to 
any danger; flying kites, having weddings, being rude to 
tourists, etc. Then suddenly...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. UTAH BEACH - MORNING

Explosions and gunfire rock the beaches of Normandy as 
American higgens boats and soldiers storm the coastlines.

		     MOORE (V.O.)
	 On June 6, 1944, the United States, 
	 along with England and Canada, invaded 
	 France. America suffered the most 
	 casualties with 6,603 while British 
	 and Canadian casualties were barely 
	 over half that. This was a 
	 "coalition"? This was "sharing the 
	 burden"?  It's also estimated that 
	 nearly 20,000 innocent French 
	 civilians were killed by misguided 
	 Allied bombing. While some say the 
	 Normandy invasion turned the tide of 
	 the war, it does not change one simple 
	 fact: that France had never murdered 
	 a single American citizen.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

War protestors march the streets with signs that read "No 
blood for cheese".

		     MOORE (V.O.)
	 Why were our efforts being diverted 
	 to France? It was Japan, after all, 
	 that had attacked us on December 
	 7th. Just because there were some 
	 Germans there? Germans who were also 
	 not involved in the attacks of 
	 December 7th? The President declared 
	 his goal was to liberate France, but 
	 Roosevelt, a well-known cheese 
	 aficionado, must have also been 
	 tempted to get his hands on the 
	 country's chief export.

Moore has already signed a deal with a distributor for his film, and he looks forward to threatening them with a censorship lawsuit just prior to release.

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