Tag: news media

Keith Olbermann Rant Generator

Keith Olbermann

Did you miss Keith Olbermann’s latest tirade on “Countdown”? If MSNBC’s feeble ratings are any indication, you’re not alone. Never fear! Just read the following Olbermann Rant TemplateTM, customize the content where applicable, and voila! You’ll be up-to-date on the full extent of Olby-Wan’s usual insights…


Finally tonight, as promised, a Special Comment on and how the Republican party .

Sir, I am unable to contain my any longer. Your very existence causes me to at the thought of having to comment about you. Yet, comment I must, for you continue to .

I am, of course, referring to the recent comments you made in an interview with where you said, and I quote: This is beyond the pale, sir! Your words were so hateful that I would have expected them to come from !

How dare you, sir! Your careless words belittle the life’s work of some of the greatest Democratic leaders in history. Leaders such as , who have dedicated, and in some cases, risked their lives to ensure that . How dare you!

If the last presidential election has taught us anything, it’s that . Face it: your attitudes and beliefs are as extinct as . In short, sir, you are nothing more than a !

Please, sir, go back to your and leave the rest of us to run the country!

Good night and good luck.

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Chris Matthews Works at a Drive-Thru

Chris Matthews

(Customer pulls car up to the drive-thru speaker.)
Chris Matthews: (Over speaker) Welcome to In-N-Out Burger. I’m Chris Matthews. The Double-Double burger: two pure beef patties or too much to handle? Let’s play hardball.
Customer: Yeah, uh, I’d like to get–
Chris Matthews: Let me start with you. Do you think that the number two meal, which consists of a cheeseburger, a drink and a side of fries — do you think that this could be something that you as an average American would be interested in getting? How do you think that will play?
Customer: Uh…
Chris Matthews: Does this meal resonate with people such as yourself? And how will it play with the evangelicals?
Customer: Look, can I just–
Chris Matthews: Is that something that interests you? In the sense that you would be interested?
Customer: Can I order please?
Chris Matthews: Go ahead.
Customer: I just want a number three–
Chris Matthews: That wasn’t my question. You’re not answering my question…
Customer: I’m trying to–
Chris Matthews: My question was how does a single mom with six kids, two jobs and eight mortgages make the decision to go with a number two meal?
Customer: What does that have to do with anything?
Chris Matthews: Okay, let’s move on to beverages…
Customer: No, wait–
Chris Matthews: Now pretend you’re an average American with no partisan zeal here. Does the fact that our milkshakes are made with real ice cream hold any sway with you? And should George W. Bush be tried for war crimes?
Customer: Excuse me, but isn’t your job to ask me what I want and listen to my answer?
Chris Matthews: My job is to get at the truth. And I don’t think your menu selection has been properly vetted.
Customer: But I haven’t even given you my–
Chris Matthews: Let’s go to a clip of another customer speaking out on this issue. This is fascinating. Let’s listen…
Audio Clip: (Over speaker) I’d like a number two, hold the onions… Uh… Does it cost any less to hold the onions?
Chris Matthews: Compelling stuff. Proving Americans are more concerned with pocketbook issues than the war in Iraq. What do you make of that? (Pause) …Are you there? Whoa! What are you doing back here!? You’re not allowed inside–
Customer: (Over speaker) I came in here to kick your ass, you obnoxious prick!
Chris Matthews: What are you, a neo-con? Did Pat Buchanan send you?
(Customer is heard beating Matthews’ head against the deep fryer.)
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