Did you miss Keith Olbermann’s latest tirade on “Countdown”? If MSNBC’s feeble ratings are any indication, you’re not alone. Never fear! Just read the following Olbermann Rant Template^TM, customize the content where applicable, and voila! You’ll be up-to-date on the full extent of Olby-Wan’s usual insights…

Finally tonight, as promised, a Special Comment on Dick Cheney George W. Bush Rush Limbaugh Sean Hannity Bill O’Reilly Glenn Beck Dick Morris Joe the Plumber and how the Republican party drinks human blood will destroy mankind steals human souls through oral contact is funded by the rich, but not the same rich that funds Democrats are evil geniuses or complete idiots, depending on my mood fornicates America in the face .

Sir, I am unable to contain my outrage ego penchant for incredulous grandiloquence “Ed Murrow on meth” imitation “Little Keith” in my pants any longer. Your very existence causes me to cringe “verp” clench my schvincter drink heavily hate my mommy work out my rage through paid sex at the thought of having to comment about you. Yet, comment I must, for you continue to breathe air live leave your house and make contact with the outside world have an opinion different than mine give me ratings .

I am, of course, referring to the recent comments you made in an interview with Fox News ABC NBC CBS The New York Times The Washington Post The Washington Times Guns & Ammo Hot Rod magazine The Food Network Ali G Black Tail magazine where you said, and I quote: “Liberals are pussies.” “Olbermann’s glasses don’t fit his face.” “Abstinence is a great way to free up your calendar.” “Rachel Maddow has a boyish charm.” “Barack Hussein Obama.” “I’ll say this about Iraq: Christians 1, Muslims 0. Booya!” This is beyond the pale, sir! Your words were so hateful that I would have expected them to come from Osama bin Laden Adolf Hitler Simon Cowell George Steinbrenner The Pope Chris Matthews my hate mail my father, who never believed in me. How do ya like me NOW, old man??? the voices in my head, unrelenting, forever taunting me… !

How dare you, sir! Your careless words belittle the life’s work of some of the greatest Democratic leaders in history. Leaders such as myself Janeane Garafalo The Dixie Chicks Al Franken the Black Panthers Meathead from “All In The Family” , who have dedicated, and in some cases, risked their lives to ensure that cigarettes cost over $6 per pack you can say “penis” on TV the First Amendment is not a right, but a privilege becoming an American citizen is as simple as not being born in America . How dare you!

If the last presidential election has taught us anything, it’s that Americans are sick of whitey dead people can vote, too John McCain’s Campaign Finance Reform is for losers Twitter is the only way to remind young people to get off their pot-smoking asses to vote . Face it: your attitudes and beliefs are as extinct as the founding fathers “According to Jim” newspapers WHAM! downloading Kathy Ireland photos at 32 kbps . In short, sir, you are nothing more than a terrorist fascist plebeian unitarian fetishist !

Please, sir, go back to your alien planet Trace Adkins albums false god mentioned in your “bible” nightly moron meetings of the stupid poopy-heads and leave the rest of us guilt-ridden liberals Communications majors who have more followers on Twitter to run the country!

Good night and good luck.