Tag: recession

Hire Me to Revamp the Stimulus Website!

Here’s an ABC News video that recently caught my attention. Their main focus was how the government is wasting taxpayers’ money on road signs promoting stimulus projects — up to $3,000 per sign. But the thing that really piqued my interest comes at the very end where Jonathan Karl says the government is spending $18 million to revamp the stimulus website, Recovery.gov.

That’s right. $18 million.

For a website.

Like the thing you’re looking at right now.

I build websites for a living. I know how much they cost. And I can honestly say that $18 million is waaay too high for a website rebuild.

I can do it for $15 million.

That’s right, $15 million. For politicans like Nancy Pelosi who aren’t good at math, that’s $3 million in savings! Just think of what you could do with an extra $3 million, Nancy. You could use Air Force One as your personal commuter plane 50 times! Or you could buy some eyelids! The choices are endless!

My offer is in earnest, Uncle Sam. Let me rebuild the stimulus website for you. Please look over the following estimate I’ve prepared. I think you’ll find it reasonable and cost-effective…

Item Cost
Domain renewal (per year) $11.00
Hosting (Dedicated Server) (per month) $350.00
Standard web development provisions (Red Bull, Mountain Dew, fully-stocked wet bar, cocaine, mescaline, lobster, prime rib, and Funyuns) $150,000.00
Purchase PerezHilton.com as a redirect to Recovery.gov. (This will increase traffic enormously!) $2,800,000.00
Plastic protector for laptop to prevent water damage while coding in a 5-person Jacuzzi $30.00
5-person Jacuzzi (to validate the cost of the plastic protector) $13,000.00
5-bedroom Malibu home (to validate the cost of 5-person Jacuzzi and plastic protector) $7,000,000.00
Porn star Tera Patrick to provide me with hourly “massages” to stave off carpal tunnel syndrome $5,000,000.00
A “Project Funded by The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” road sign to place outside my Malibu home while I get handjobs from Tera Patrick in a Jacuzzi and work on the website $3,000.00
TOTAL ESTIMATED COST (APPROXIMATE) $15,000,000.00

There you have it: a lean-and-mean estimate for $15 million. I think it’s obvious those web developers who quoted you $18 million were just trying to rip you off. And given President Obama’s pledge of “responsible” stimulus spending, I think a $15 million price tag will sit better with the American people than $18 million.

I eagerly await your response.

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California Seeks More Celebrity Deaths To Boost Economy

California State Capitol

Photo by Joe Shlabotnik

The state of California, crippled with a $25 billion deficit, 11.5% unemployment, and a devastating Simon Cowell contract negotiation, is in desperate need of an economic turnaround. But thanks to the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and other famous icons, the Golden State may have found its golden goose.

Jackson’s public memorial service in Los Angeles this Tuesday could potentially attract up to 100,000 people from all over the world. This means huge dollars being pumped into the local economy via hotels, restaurants, gift stores, tattoo parlors, bobblehead shops, etc. In other words, it’s an economic godsend. And for a state with a high number of celebrity residents on their last legs, it’s a godsend that state officials believe could be repeated.

That is why the California legislature, in hopes of instigating similar revenue opportunities, has proposed the new “Celebrity Death Stimulus” bill. This bill includes the following provisions:

  • Movie and television actors are now required by law to perform their own stunts.
  • A repeal of all laws pertaining to celebrity stalkers and restraining orders.
  • Celebrities enrolled at the Betty Ford Center will be immediately discharged with a complimentary Jack Daniels & Heroin Kit gift basket.
  • Cosmetic surgery for any celebrity must be performed within a roving “botox van” operated by professionals under a guest worker program.

To quell the concerns of fearful celebrities, the bill also includes an “Aggrandizement Clause”. This clause states that any celebrity who dies from this bill is guaranteed a posthumous award (Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, et al) and a three-part special on E! declaring them a “genius” — no matter how untalented or morally despicable the celebrity. The clause was added after intense negotiations between the state legislature and talent agents from William Morris, ICM and CAA.

Meanwhile, local public reaction to the proposed bill has been mixed, ranging from “This is celebrity genocide!” to “Maybe this will help our economy,” to “Can we start with Schwarzenegger?”

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Former Neo-Celebrities Cry for Fame Redistribution

A group of media has-beens calling themselves “The 15 Minuters For Justice” are looking to call attention to their unique economic plight in hopes of obtaining benefits from the federal government. The group has already attracted such inadvertent celebrities as Joey Buttafuoco, William Hung and Lorena Bobbit.

“There was a time in this country when being a flash-in-the-pan had a lot more stability,” said Cindy Sheehan at a recent 15 Minuters rally. “It’s not fair that people like myself, Richard Hatch and Tonya Harding are scraping by, trying to make ends meet, while others like the OctoMom are receiving million dollar offers from the porn industry. Where’s my porn film contract?”

“Losing your 15 minutes of fame is every bit as devastating as losing an actual job,” said former senator John Edwards. “Opportunities dry up, TMZ stops following you, Tara Reid doesn’t come over to pass out on your futon anymore… and you’re left a broken shell of a person.”

Julio “McDonald’s Guy” Osegueda, who received short-lived media attention in early February for appearing at an Obama town hall, agrees wholeheartedly.

“For a whole week I was, like, the media gangstah,” said Osegueda. “Wolf Blitzer took me to a sweet media party where I did body shots off of Campbell Brown all night. Me and Keith Olbermann were gonna write a screenplay together. And Anderson Cooper took me antiquing for some reason. But now I’m back working at McDonald’s. It’s not right. President Obama needs to do something, yo.”

As luck would have it, the Obama administration is already responding to the crisis.

“Flash-in-the-pan celebrities are America’s greatest resource,” said President Obama at a recent town hall meeting. “That is why, under my administration, there will be a redistribution of fame minutes. If you earn less than 20 minutes of fame, you will not see a reduction. Whereas those earning more than their fair share of quasi-fame minutes must sacrifice for the good of the economy.”

Joe “the Plumber” Wurzelbacher has already publicly denounced Obama’s plan. “It’s socialism, plain and simple,” said Wurzelbacher. “It’s unfair to those of us who worked our asses off to unintentionally become media pawns.”

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