Tag: religion

Jesus Sighting on RyanGarns.com

Jesus Christ appears in banner of RyanGarns.comThere have been many reports in the past of Jesus Christ’s image appearing in unlikely places — burnt toast, moldy bathtubs, stained-glass windows, Donald Trump’s eyebrows — but now the image of Christ has appeared in perhaps the most unlikely place yet: on RyanGarns.com.

At first glance it appears like a small defect in the letter “M” within the banner. But when magnified, you see the distinct face of Jesus Christ.

“I’m stunned. I didn’t put him there; he just sort of… appeared,” says Ryan Garns, who also defends the image’s authenticity. “As a professional web developer, I can honestly say that there’s no software in existence that can create a mock-up of Jesus like that.”

“It’s clearly a sign from God,” says Dudley Manlove, self-proclaimed Jesus sighting expert and host of “Stalking Jesus” on public access television. “I think by appearing on a website instead of a geographical location, Jesus is telling us that his message is not only worldwide, but also W3C compliant.”

However, there are some skeptics who are… uh… skeptical.

“I don’t see Jesus at all. If anything, it’s Georgy Clooney from Syriana,” says Paul Marco, professor of Authoritative Quotes at the University of Random Experts. “Besides, if Jesus wanted to appear on a website, wouldn’t he choose a more popular website? Like CNN.com? Or even Hot Chicks with Douchebags?”

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Google Purchases God

Google purchases GodGoogle Inc. (stock symbol GOOG) announced today that it has acquired God (stock symbol GOD) for an estimated $8.2 billion. News of this acquisition has already rocked Wall Street as well as Vatican City, leaving many business analysts and religious leaders wondering what the Silicon Valley giant plans to do with the Almighty.

“It’s real simple: God is the ultimate search engine,” says Google CEO Steve Stevenson. “Imagine searching for ‘Osama bin Laden’ and getting a Google Map of his exact location. Or searching for ‘the meaning of life’ and actually getting the answer.”

The amount of data that God collects is undoubtedly staggering and Google hopes to boost its entire online software suite with this newly acquired omniscience.

One such boost would be given to AdSense, Google’s advertising network. Instead of merely displaying relevant ads based on keywords, the new God-powered AdSense would also tweak the ads to cater to an individual’s fears, dreams and sins. While shopping online, a husband might see an ad stating, “Hi Phil. Your wife Debbie knows you’re diddling your receptionist. You’d better click here,” which takes him to Kay Jewelers or the nearest law firm.

This acquisition further escalates the competition between Google and Microsoft, who was also looking to buy out the media-shy Creator. Now in an effort to remain competitive, Microsoft is looking to buy out Satan, the Prince of Darkness (stock symbol BELZBUB). If successful, the acquisition would also give Microsoft control over Satan’s subsidiaries, such as Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Productions and Facebook.

As expected, God was unavailable for comment. However sources close to the long-time deity state that He was happy to finally sell off His godliness and that He plans to retire to Aruba “to find Himself.”

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Customer Service Calls to God

Support Rep: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today?
Woman Caller: (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God.
Support Rep: I’m sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there’s something I can assist you with?
Woman Caller: M-My father… he’s… in a coma.
Support Rep: Okay. May I get your ID number, ma’am?
Woman Caller: What? I don’t have…
Support Rep: It’s on the back of your bible.
Woman Caller: (The receiver is jostled. Pause) …56839?
Support Rep: Okay, ma’am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone?
Woman Caller: Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God… to look out for my father… and… deliver him from–
Support Rep: Okay, ma’am. I just activated your father. Try him now.
Father: (In background) Mary? What’s going on?
Woman Caller: Oh my God! He’s awake!!
Support Rep: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Woman Caller: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Support Rep: You’re welcome, ma’am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur–
(Line goes dead.)

Support Rep: Thank you for calling God. My name is Todd. How may I assist you today?
Male Caller: Yes, I would like to submit a complaint. I recently–
Support Rep: Please hold.
(“Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett plays over the line. The song fades out…)
Recording: Did you know that you can now pray to God online? Just log on to god-online.com/pray. It’s free and easy. Try it today. ¿Sabías que puedes ahora rogar a dios en línea? Apenas señalar–
Support Rep: (Cuts in) Complaints. This is Janice.
Male Caller: Hello, Janice. I recently submitted a prayer to God asking that the Phoenix Suns win the divisional playoffs. And they were knocked out in the first round 4 to 1.
Support Rep: Can I get your ID number, sir?
Male Caller: 83628. And I’m very upset because I had season tickets and we had a whole trip planned to–
Support Rep: I’m sorry, sir, but your account status doesn’t cover frivolous prayers such as lotteries, stock portfolios or sporting events.
Male Caller: I see.
Support Rep: Would you like to upgrade to Evangelical?

Recording: Hello, I’m an automated operator. In order to properly direct your call, please say the name of your religion.
Caller: Buddhism.
Recording: Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: Buddhism!
Recording: Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could you say–
Recording: Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could–
Caller: BOO-DIZ-UMM!!!!
Recording: Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: (Sighs) Christianity.
Recording: Very good. Let’s proceed…
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