Tag: science

The Garns Delusion: Does Ryan Garns Exist?

Richard DawkinsRichard Dawkins is an evolutionary biologist, outspoken atheist, and cover model for this year’s Scientific American Swimsuit Issue. He has authored many books including The God Delusion and The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution, and is currently working on a new book entitled Charlie Sheen and Other Evolutionary Mutations.

 

Greetings, fellow rationalists. I’ve been asked to write a guest commentary on an issue that has been on the minds of RyanGarns.com readers for the last 16 months: does Ryan Garns exist? With this essay, I hope to prove (as would many of Ryan’s ex-girlfriends) that he does not exist.

First, let’s look at the facts:

  1. Mr. Garns has not written a post on his website since November of 2009.
  2. Mr. Garns has neglected to regularly update his Facebook and Twitter statuses.
  3. Mr. Garns has not returned the movie Extract which he received from Netflix back in August 2010.
  4. Mr. Garns has received numerous unsolicited letters from JCPenney, Publishers Clearing House and the Church of Scientology — all of which have suspiciously gone unanswered.
  5. Mr. Garns is a registered Independent, which is about as close to being non-existent as you can get.

These facts point to the inescapable conclusion that Ryan Garns does not exist.

Now let’s discuss the counter-arguments for the existence of Ryan Garns. Typically they fall into one of three categories: a priori, a posteriori, and a posteriori in a red wine sauce. For example, a typical a priori argument might go like this:

Socrates: Phaedrus, I want you to think of the funniest blogger imaginable.
Phaedrus: Okay, done.
Socrates: Does this blogger exist in real life?
Phaedrus: No.
Socrates: Is Ryan Garns the funniest blogger imaginable?
Phaedrus: Hell, no.
Socrates: Ergo, Ryan Garns exists!
Phaedrus: Can I go now?

As you can see, this type of dialectical thinking is laughable, especially when performed by grown men wearing togas. Only a deluded simpleton would think it achieves anything resembling logic.

“But wait,” argues the deluded simpleton. “How do I know that you’re really Richard Dawkins? Aren’t you actually Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins for purpose of this silly blog post?”

If I were, then that would also mean that you’re Ryan Garns posing as Richard Dawkins posing as a deluded simpleton for the purpose of asking that silly question.

“Hmm… good point,” says the deluded simpleton. “Does this mean we could get sued by the real Richard Dawkins for the unauthorized use of his name?”

Oh. Right. In that case, I am Ryan Garns. Just kidding, folks! I’ll be back again soon (hopefully) with more drivel…

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Study Finds Conservatives Lack Sense of Humor

Photo adapted from Rama

A recent psychology study from the University of Idle Research has found that conservatives lack a sense of humor when compared to liberals.

“It’s something I’ve always sensed, but needed scientific proof of,” says Steve Beshakis, head researcher at the university and political prop comic at Che’s Coffee Clutch.

The study gathered a group of human subjects, equally divided along conservative and liberal ideologies, and presented them with the following samples of humor to gauge their reactions:

  • SNL sketches of Tina Fey satirizing Sarah Palin.
  • Scenes from Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 ridiculing President Bush.
  • Excerpts from Al Franken’s book Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot.
  • Comedian Wanda Sykes’ monologue at the White House Correspondence Dinner where she ridicules conservatives.

The results of the study showed that 100% of liberals found these jokes to be hilarious, whereas only 20% of conservatives found them funny or mildly amusing.

“There you have it. Proof that conservatives don’t have a sense of humor,” says Beshakis. “You can’t argue with air-tight science like that.”

When asked why the study only included jokes that targeted conservatives, Beshakis says, “Because jokes about liberals aren’t funny. They’re hate speech.”

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Al Gore is a Dickhead, Says Science

Al Gore“The debate is over,” proclaims Jonathan Shaft, lead scientist at the California Head and Genital Institute in Duluth, Minnesota. “The science is in. Al Gore is what we in the scientific community call a dickhead.”

While at first this may seem like politics posturing as science — a charge often lobbed at Al Gore’s own global warming proclamations — researchers state that the dickhead diagnosis is indeed the result of scientific research and quantitative study.

“Look, we’re scientists. When we say Al Gore is a dickhead, we’re not just being colorful,” says Shaft. “We mean there is conclusive, scientific evidence that Al Gore literally has a dick for a head.”

Pam Johnson, an assistant researcher at the institute, concurs: “We’ve studied the shape of [Gore’s] cranium. There’s no doubt about it; it is becoming more and more shlong-like in appearance.”

Al Gore's Cranium as Compared to the Shape of a Penis

“It’s uncanny,” says Shaft. “When I look at the outline of Gore’s head as compared to the outline of a tallywacker, I’m reminded of the scene from An Inconvenient Truth where Gore compares the line graphs of earth temperatures and CO2 levels. To paraphrase Gore, it’s like they fit together!”

“We’ve also studied his eyes,” continues Johnson. “We’ve noticed that over the years, Gore’s eyes have moved closer together on his face. As this trend continues, our projections show that Gore’s face will soon adopt a ‘one-eyed’ appearance. This one-eyed face — coupled with his receding hairline, thickening neck, the appearance of veins (especially when he’s angry) — contributes to Gore being, scientifically speaking, a dickhead.”

And what does Al Gore think of these findings?

“We’ve been unsuccessful at contacting him,” says Johnson. “But given Mr. Gore’s appreciation for the infallibility of science, I’m sure he would be compelled to agree with our conclusions. It’s not in his best interests to appear as a ‘denier’ or ‘flat-earther’.”

So what can be done?

“Until a cure is found, I would recommend Mr. Gore take care in not calling attention to his condition. For one thing, he should avoid wearing turtlenecks.”

“The implications of his condition are baffling,” concludes Shaft. “However this would help to explain why, when Gore gets red in the face, what comes out of his head resembles something that only his devoted admirers would swallow.”

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