Tag: social media

Angry Blog Comments: A Literal Response

Angry commenter

Photo by Flavinsky Photography

One of the pitfalls of writing comedy, apart from attracting copious numbers of women whose hearts must be toyed with to keep them at bay, is that occasionally I’ll get readers who simply don’t understand irony.

A case in point: a piece I wrote entitled “Abortion: The Green-Friendly Option.” The basic premise was to satirize two political ideas (global warming and abortion) so that one “justified” the other, thereby highlighting the stupidity of both. And hilarity, a la “A Modest Proposal” ensued. Or so I thought.

Since then, the article has received several nasty comments from pro-life readers. I certainly don’t expect everyone to enjoy my humor, but these people took the article at face value and believed I was actually promoting the idea of offing one’s offspring to save the planet. Irony was lost on these people.

So it occurred to me: since these people do not recognize irony, it’s logical to assume that their comments were intended to be read without irony. Therefore, I’d like to present a sample of these comments, followed by my strict, literal interpretation of them. Because I’m sure they would have wanted it that way…

From “prolife”:

“this website is riduculous. it is absolutely horrible that you think abortions are ‘helping the planet’. You people are so crazy. that’s like me going and killing all the people i don’t like because it’s helping the planet…”

Wait a minute… you’re killing all the people that you don’t like?? Since you didn’t say “if I were to kill,” I can only conclude that you are, in fact, murdering people! For the love of God, sir, please, DON’T KILL AGAIN!!! How many have you killed? Never mind! I don’t want to know! To an experienced killer like yourself, abortion might seem like a horrible way of helping the planet, but your way is no better! Killing people you don’t like is wrong, despite your stated belief that “it’s helping the planet.”

“…i hope you die!! now!!! suck my balls asshole!”

Oh God! Now he’s coming after me! What’s worse, his statement suggests he wants me to give him oral pleasure AFTER I’m dead! Please, somebody stop this murderous necrophiliac! Before he kills and fucks again!

From “rowan”:

“this is sick. if your all so worried about the environment why not kill all the jews or blacks…”

So you recommend killing Jews and blacks? I wasn’t aware they were harmful to the environment. Then again, my view of environmentalism is limited. I’m only familiar with Walden, not Mein Kampf.

“…even better why not commit suicide…”

Well, that’s just silly. If you committed suicide, who would kill the Jews and blacks?

“or mabey just grow up a little bit and dont get yourself up the duff in the 1st place that would be the the mature and ‘green’ thing to do.”

I can assure you, sir, that I have never gotten myself up my own duff — a task that would require serious gymnastics. Unless, of course, you meant actress/singer Hilary Duff, in which case similar gymnastics would be required.

“..also think off the hosptital waste due to all the abortions”

I’m afraid I’m still thinking of Hilary Duff. Check back in five minutes.

From “former embryo”:

“…show me hard scientific evidence that an embryo isnt alive and i’ll laugh at your retarded out look on life…”

Although I don’t believe hard scientific evidence exists, I’m intrigued that you would laugh at such evidence if presented to you. Are you in the habit of laughing at science? If so, perhaps I should write up some good “science comedy” in the future. Please check back again for upcoming posts you’ll no doubt find hilarious, like “Gravity? I’m Not ‘Down’ with That!” and “Enough with the Cancer Research Already!”

“…better then that,i’ll fuck every guy behind this sick shit with out a condom and then abort the evidence…”

Request accepted. Anyone out there with scientific proof that an embryo isn’t alive, please send your findings to:

Gang Bang The Pro-Lifer
P.O. Box 5583
Scottsdale, AZ 85000

Please note that hypotheses are only worth a handjob, and theories are worth a tossed salad with an optional rusty trombone.

Comments are unavailable for this article. How come?

Cat Blogger Says Twitter is Beneath Her

The Command Center of 'The Mittens Chronicles'

Photo by AlishaV

Lorem Ipsum, author of the cat blog “The Mittens Chronicles”, has announced that she will not be joining online juggernaut Twitter due to what she calls the social media site’s “creative limitations.”

“I know many bloggers use Twitter as a means of self-promotion, but I just refuse to be part of it,” wrote Ipsum in a recent blog post. “The future of publishing funny cat antics online is bright, and I just don’t see Twitter being a part of that business model.”

Ipsum, 38, who lives alone with 10 cats (all named Mittens), is part of a growing number of bloggers who have the courage to speak out unsolicitedly against things no one gives a shit about.

“[Twitter] is just so… insipid. It’s comprised solely of narcissistic idiots who think the world is fascinated by their mundane lives.”

So what are Ipsum’s plans for promoting “The Mittens Chronicles” in lieu of Twitter?

“I just hired an SEO expert for $3,500 per month to reinvent TMC. We’re also going to provide a toolbar for Firefox that pushes to our readers real-time updates… of Mittens. This site is going to be soooo Web 2.0!”

When asked what “Web 2.0” means exactly, Ipsum replied, “It means it’s gonna blow your fucking mind, plebeian!”

From The Mittens Chonicles: Live 24/7 web cam of Mittens' litter box

From The Mittens Chonicles: Live 24/7 web cam of Mittens’ litter box…

Comments are unavailable for this article. How come?

Grunt: The Latest In Micro-Micro-Media

Grunt FAQ

What is Grunt?

Grunt is an exciting new micro-blogging site, or what we like to call “micro-micro-blogging”.

Grunt is based on the idea that people’s attention spans are dwindling. We see that news stories have been replaced by soundbytes; proper grammar has been replaced by “lite speak”; and now blogging is quickly being replaced by micro-blogging, such as Twitter and Facebook statuses. In fact, you’re probably getting bored just reading this, aren’t you?

Grunt takes this a step further by providing even faster online interaction. Grunt member posts are limited to 5 characters only! Also no capital letters, punctuation, or special characters are allowed, as that would only slow down the stream. (Basically anything that requires pressing the shift key would threaten the flow of instant gratification.)

Here is an example of a typical thread on Grunt:

john123 sup
MarySmith nuthn
dominator dasky
john123 lol
brentitis obama
brentitis 4evah
dominator meh
john123 ugh
MarySmith palin
john123 rawr
dominator fail
john123 rotfl
Jenny8675309 idol
Jenny8675309 ontv
Jenny8675309 now
brentitis yeah
dominator pfft

If brevity is the soul of wit, then clearly Grunt is home to some of the wittiest commentary on the web today!

Can I post photos to Grunt?

No. It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words — that’s way too much information! We want to stay ahead of the social media curve, which means not taxing our members’ brains with such a complex message.

Let’s put it this way: every time your brain registers a complete thought, you risk missing out on several incomplete thoughts whizzing by you! You want to be left behind? There just isn’t time for coherence in today’s new media. But I’ve said too much already.

Can I access Grunt from my mobile phone?

Amazingly, yes! It may not seem like it, but Grunt’s interface is ideally suited for mobile phone texting, especially phones with truncated keypads and annoying auto-complete functionality. Did you accidentally enter “rolf” instead of “rotfl”? It doesn’t matter. This is Grunt!

Do I own the copyright to my grunts?

According to our terms of service, we own all intellectual property rights of anything you post to Grunt. Any member caught repeating the same five characters in another medium will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

What’s the future of Grunt?

We have high hopes for Grunt. Like YouTube and Twitter, Grunt hopes to influence and become part of the national dialogue. Posting an incisive “lol” or “meh” during a Grunt discussion on stem-cell research could reverberate throughout Washington, calling for social change on a grassroots level.

And as the buzz continues to grow, don’t be surprised to see famous celebrities showing up on your Grunt page! Joaquin Phoenix, Mickey Rourke and Bob Dylan are just a few of our famous Grunters!


Now you’re getting it!

So don’t be like some backwoods hick out of touch with the world and banging your cousin. Join Grunt today!

Image adapted from kevindooley
Comments are unavailable for this article. How come?