Hi! Billy Mays here! Are you tired of Muslim extremists threatening your freedom? Do you wish there was an easy way of extracting information from these fanatics about their next terrorist attack? Well, now there is! It’s an exciting new interrogation method called waterboarding!
Here’s how it works: you take your average Abu Nutjob, you lay him down on the patented Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard over a tank of water. You lift the board so that his head is submerged. See that? He thinks he’s drowning! Then you just raise the board, and boom! He’s singing like a bird! It’s that easy!
But wait, there’s more! If you act now, you can save this hospital in downtown Baghdad from getting blown up! That’s right! An entire hospital! Just think of the savings!
No more pulling out fingernails with rusty pliers! No more cattle prods! No more Geneva Convention! Hey, these are nationless terrorists! The rules don’t apply! With waterboarding, it’s just “dunk-and-confess”! It’s so easy, a child can do it!
(A child is shown waterboarding a terrorist. Child: “Dunk and confess!”)
With waterboarding, there’s no piece of vital information you can’t coerce! Subway bombings! Anthrax scares! Nuclear weapons shipments! Childhood traumas! And when you’re done, the Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard can be folded up for easy storage!
So what are you waiting for? Freedom isn’t free! But this complimentary spatula set with every purchase of the Oxi-GoneTM Waterboard is free! So order now!
“Do you have any idea how irritating most people are to eavesdrop on?” says Steve McCroskey, Surveillance Director at the Department of Homeland Security. “We monitor millions of phone calls, emails, instant messages, tweets, blogs, podcasts, and other communications… and frankly we’re fed up listening to everyone’s mindless drivel.”
“Morale is low. We’re losing employees every month because they can’t stand filtering out endless internet memes, Marvel Comics debates, and American Idol predictions. Something has to be done.”
According to McCroskey, the solution is simple: improve the quality of content to monitor by expanding the definition of terrorism to incarcerate obnoxiousness.
“Listen to this,” says McCroskey as he plays an audio file of what at first sounds like a screeching cat. “This is a 2 A.M. phone call from a drunk woman in Scranton singing ‘Hungry Like the Wolf‘ to her boyfriend. Do you think we enjoy analyzing that for potential terrorist content? Hell, no. You know what? Fuck her. She’s now on the terrorist list. Next case.”
Under this new policy, the DHS definition of terrorism has now grown to include the following:
- Anyone with a website that auto-plays music.
- People who include trite inspirational quotations in their email signature.
- Anyone named Perez Hilton.
- People who share YouTube links of Susan Boyle, laughing babies, funny cat antics, homoerotic Kirk/Spock music videos, or anyone playing the Super Mario Bros. theme on an unusual instrument.
“Is it my responsibility to keep America safe? Sure,” says McCroskey. “But it’s also my responsibility to make sure this department is a place people want to work in. And our monthly team builders at Applebee’s just aren’t cutting it.”
A Message from The Department of Homeland Security:
A controversy has broken out over the unclassified DHS Office of Intelligence and Analysis report that suggests domestic “right-wing extremists” pose a terrorist threat to the United States. Critics claim the report makes broad generalizations, and that anyone with conservative or libertarian leanings could potentially be classified as a “terrorist” and therefore privy to government surveillance.
In the interest of calming the fears of these extremists, the DHS would like to present the following “extremist quiz”. This quiz is intended to better define our criteria for terrorism, as well as allow you, the public, to see if you qualify as a dangerous, bloodthirsty, right-wing extremist:
- Are you a registered Republican?
- Do you possess any of the following anti-American paraphernalia?
- Christmas decorations
- A minivan
- The American flag
- Have you ever used the phrase “you people”?
- Have you ever openly criticized President Barack Obama? In mixed company? Knowing full well that he’s the first African American president? Are you serious?
- Do you live in Missouri?
- Have you ever entertained radical conspiracy theories, such as “the government is incompetent” or “Keith Olbermann is a liberal”?
- Have you ever engaged in militia-like behavior, such as stock-piling food, putting locks on your doors, becoming friendly with war veterans, or saving money?
- Have you ever engaged in any acts of white supremacy, such as employing, electing, befriending or procreating white people?
If you answered “no” to all of the above, congratulations! You are not a right-wing extremist, and therefore will only receive the minimum government surveillance required to make sure you stay that way.
If, however, you answered “yes” to any of the above, you may start noticing black vans parked outside your home and strange clicking noises over your telephone. Don’t worry; these things are just part of your right-wing extremist paranoia. Just take 10 Vicodin with a fifth of scotch, leave your door unlocked, and we’ll take care of the rest.
Have an Obamazing day!
Secretary of Homeland Security & Miss Congeniality of 1978